One of the infamous disintegrating pistols

It was revealed today that the Pentagon has purchased 15 “Disintegrating Pistols” manufactured by Acme Corporation.

“This is a new era in military technology” said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph F. Dunford.

Their sales rep, a person named Duck Dodgers, told us the guns were fool proof. Imagine being able to disintegrate an enemy upon first contact. Obviously that would be a major advantage in warfare. We could walk into Mosul and disintegrate the enemy. And once we gain the ability to disintegrate the enemy we can get rid of all our environmentally unfriendly bombs and tanks and aircraft carriers. Well, we might keep an aircraft carrier but only if we can get it to run on wind power.

The raw materials for the disintegrating pistol cost $125 dollars. When Dunford asked Dodgers how much the Acme Corporation was asking for their guns he was told two million per gun.

That’s a little bit of a markup obviously but nothing the Pentagon hasn’t done before. What? You think we’d try to negotiate for a lower price? This isn’t a private company. We’re the government.

Asked how soon the disintegrating pistols could be delivered Dodgers informed said that he had 15 in the back of his minivan.

I was pleasantly surprised that Dodgers had some with him. He showed me one. It had a tag on it that said “For children between the ages of four and seven.” He ripped the tag off and said I should ignore that. So I did. I wrote out a check for 30 billion on the spot and gave it to him. I then asked Dodgers how I could get in touch with him if there were problems with the pistols. He gave me a phone number. I tried calling but it was out of service. Maybe he’s on vacation or something.

Instead of testing the new weapons they were immediately sent to the middle east and given to soldiers. To their surprise the pistols disintegrated when used instead of disintegrating the enemy.

I suppose we should have tested them first. Testing a product would have been smart and productive. But like I said we’re not a private company. We’re the government. We have different rules.

Of the fifteen soldiers given the disintegration pistols, 12 were killed outright by ISIS and two were captured and later beheaded. One soldier was able to fight his way to safety by killing his ISIS opponents. For his efforts the soldier was court martialed.

He regrettably killed the Muslims who were trying to kill him. And the army will not tolerate Islamophobia in its ranks.

In a related note the Joint Chiefs have announced that all machine guns will be replaced by muskets.

“Machine guns give off heat which causes climate change. The muskets are much more Earth friendly” said Dunford.

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