Semi-talented, billionaire con man Bruce Springsteen admitted today that for years he has been cheating on his taxes and that he has a perfectly logical explanation: “I’m a Democrat and can get away with it.”
I sat down with the semi-talented, semi-differentially abled star to address his stunning admission.
MI: Good afternoon Bruce.
BS: Would you like my autograph?
BS: Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? I’m Springsteen dammit
[Springsteen puts a hood on]
MI: Please take the hood off.
BS: But I’m Springsteen dammit.
MI: Take the hood off.
[Springsteen removes hood]
MI: Somehow I liked you better with your hood on. Now let’s talk about taxes. You own a 200-acre farm in New Jersey. But because technically you “farm” on that property since you grow potatoes your tax bill is reduced from $138,000 to $4,600 dollars. Because you say you are a farmer, you prevent New Jersey from redistributing your income.
BS: First let me say that I believe in the glory of socialism. What has been done in Venezuela should be a model to us all. I was down there recently reveling in it.
MI: What did you see?
BS: Lots of empty shelves in supermarkets and a shortage of food. But that’s a feature of socialism. It prevents the proletariat from gaining too much weight. It shows how benevolent a socialist government can be.
MI: What else did you see.
BS: Rioting. Lots of rioting.
MI: Why were they rioting?
BS: They were expressing displeasure with the Trump administration.
MI: I see. Not because Venezuela’s economy is shattered and food is scarce? Is that another feature of socialism.
BS: No. Definitely not. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.
MI: And this is the economic system you want to bring to America? Why do you think it failed in Venezuela but would succeed in the United States?
BS: The wrong people were in charge in Venezuela. Brown peoples lack the necessary scientific expertise of white people to make socialism work. Can I put my hood back on?
MI: Yes, please.
[Springsteen puts his hood on]
MI: Now back to your tax situation. You say you believe in socialism but you have consistently tried to lower your taxes. If you believe in redistribution of income I would think you’d want to pay as much taxes as possible to bring about the socialist workers’ paradise.
BS: First off let me say that I believe in socialism. And I will do whatever it takes to help a Democratic president bring it about. From my 200 acre farm I will send out videos asking the middle class to pay more taxes.
MI: But that brings me back to my original point. Why aren’t you paying more taxes?
BS: Because it wouldn’t be fair. As a Democrat I am naturally smarter and better equipped to bring about socialism. And the masses need someone to admire. They can’t admire me if I’m living a meager hand-to-mouth existence. You see, not paying taxes is compassionate. For me. Besides, there are plenty of rich Republicans who can pay more taxes. They deserve to be punished.
MI: Right. Well is there anything else you want to say to my readers before I wrap up this interview?
BS: I’m Springsteen dammit.
MI: Yes, we’ve already established that. Goodbye.
And so ended my interview with the disciple of socialism and paying one’s fair share of taxes. He’s Springsteen dammit and we aren’t.