Nine days after the famous Women’s March that united the globe, Hollywood veteran Miss Piggy remains missing.
“It’s true” said her manager.
No one has heard from her and we are all concerned. The last time I spoke to her she was in Washington at the march waiting for her chance to speak. She said Ashley Judd was on stage and “firing up the sisterhood.” Miss Piggy was looking forward to speaking and sharing her experiences with sexism in Hollywood.
While many know Miss Piggy from her years with the Muppets what many don’t know is that behind the scenes she had become radicalized after dealing with the patriarchy in Hollywood.
“Miss Piggy wanted to be taken seriously as an artist” said a friend.
Instead she found nothing but casting couches. She became resigned to using her body to get roles. That’s how she got the job on the Muppets. Jim Henson wanted sexual favors from Miss Piggy. She didn’t like it. She felt humiliated but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to survive.
Disgusted by years of sexism, her ability to reproduced destroyed by repeated abortions demanded by her producer boyfriends, Miss Piggy became embittered and grew to hate men.
Seeing the Women’s march as a chance to proclaim her feminist values Miss Piggy traveled to the event, speech in hand. This speech, which she never had the chance to give, was found in a garbage can after the march, some portions of which I now quote in hopes that it will give us insight into her final days.
I am a nasty pig. I am a nasty woman. I am a nasty pig woman. I’m not as nasty as the bloodstains in my pig panties. I’m not as nasty as bleeding from my orifices. Bleeding imposed upon us by a god that hates nasty women. I am a nasty pig woman but not as nasty as using a coat hanger to abort my child because my rich producer boyfriend wouldn’t pay for an abortion. My vagina is bloodier than the season premiere of the Walking Dead! I take pride in my nasty blood. I smear my nasty blood and nasty feces all over the walls of the patriarchy!
“After Ashley left the stage I turned to give Miss Piggy her cue but she was gone” said a march organizer.
We thought maybe she had gone to a porta-john or she was putting on some makeup but no one could find her. So instead we all linked arms and sang Tammy Wynette’s song “Stand by Your Man” only we changed the lyrics to “Stand by Your Bloody Pussy.”
Suspicion immediately fell upon Miss Piggy’s long-time paramour, Kermit the Frog.
Despite carrying a sign that said “Beta male just here to shut up, learn and listen” many doubted if he were a true feminist.
“Kermit liked his women young and let’s face it, Miss Piggy was getting up there” said an associate of the two.
I mean everyone on the set of the Muppets knew he was trying to get rid of her. Hell he even asked Fozzy Bear if he’d kill her for $50,000. I guess he figured paying someone to murder her was cheaper than paying alimony.
An arrest warrant has been issued for Fozzy Bear who is described as “extremely dangerous and armed with many bad jokes.”
Kermit maintains his innocence but has traveled to a non-extradition country just in case.
“I’m just sitting here relaxing in the south of France. Where’s Missy Piggy? That’s none of my concern” said Kermit.