Gwyneth Paltrow’s Guide to Vaginal Care!

You'd be surprised what can go up your vagina

You’d be surprised what can go up your vagina

Being a world-famous blogger many people often ask me to stop sending selfies to their daughters what I do in my spare time. The answer? Read. Yes, when Manhattan Infidel isn’t posting for his audience he is usually hunched over a good book. And what is the book I am reading now?  Gwyneth Paltrow’s Guide to Vaginal Care.

Like Gwyneth I am concerned about female reproductive health. I found this to be a fascinating read. I now present a few portions.

Like many of you I am very concerned about the health of my hoo-haw. Some of my earliest memories were of me squatting naked over a mirror while I said “Hello hoo-haw. Are you happy? Are you healthy?  Can I talk to you? Would an egg fit inside you?” I once asked my consciously-uncoupled husband Chris Martin if he would take drugs to make his penis look like an egg. He refused. I don’t know why he wouldn’t want to intensify my feminine energy and life force. It seems to be that would be a no-brainer.

In fact it’s been medically proven that putting eggs up your hoo-haw is better for you than a penis. Unlike a penis, an egg will build vaginal reflexology and tighten vaginal walls. And I think if there is one thing we can all agree on is that nobody wants a leaky vaginal wall.

You can even sleep with an egg in your hoo-haw. I do all the time. Don’t worry about the egg cracking inside your hoo-haw. It’s happened to me a few times. Just grab your steam cleaner and insert. The steam cleaner will dissolve any shell fragments that are still inside you.

But the chances of an egg cracking inside your hoo-haw are relatively slim. And if it does do not panic. If you don’t have a steam cleaner on you, then use your fingers to massage the egg yolk against your vaginal walls. It’s soothing and the egg yolk will balance your hormones and help prevent uterine prolapse.

Some of you might be asking, “Can I use hard-boiled or soft-boiled eggs in my hoo-haw?”

Of course you can. An egg is an egg is an egg. All are welcome in your hoo-haw.

Just remember to peel the hard-boiled egg first before insertion. For soft-boiled eggs use a spoon to tap the side and then gently split in two. Insert half the opened soft-boiled egg up your hoo-haw. It’ll develop and clear chi pathways in the body and all day you will have a fragrant, erotic egg aroma on you.

Once while filming Ironman Robert Downey Jr. asked me what that sulfer-like smell was. I told him I had an egg in my hoo-haw. He seemed intrigued. I think he was intrigued. I didn’t get a chance to ask him because he threw up right after I told him.

And that readers is just a small portion of this fascinating self-improvement book. I recommend that all my male readers buy a copy for your lady friends. You won’t be disappointed.

(27)