With just 14 days left until he hands over the Executive Department to Donald Trump, President Obama today promised to spend his remaining time in office “overturning human privilege.”
I was lucky enough to have the soon-to-be ex- President give me a call on New Year’s eve.
BO: Manhattan Infidel this is President Obama
MI: How the hell did you get my number?
BO: It’s written on the bathroom wall in the White House.
MI: Oh, right. What do you want?
BO: Well as you know I will be out of office in a few days and I have decided to give you an exclusive on what I plan to do in my remaining time in office.
MI: Can you tell me tomorrow? I mean it’s New Year’s eve and I’m in a bar talking to a woman.
MI: That’s a good question. Let me check.
MI: No she’s non-binary. Thanks honey but I’ll pass.
NB: Then give me my baton back asshole.
MI: She um. She’s in a marching band. Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes, your next couple days.
BO: Yes, well first off I plan a number of totally constitutional and legal executive orders.
MI: Such as?
BO: Well I’m glad you asked. First off I will make boiled dumplings illegal. They lead to global warming. Henceforth only steamed dumplings will be legal.
BO: I also will issue an executive order renaming the state of New Jersey “Old Jersey.” Yes, I have the authority to do this.
BO: Wait I’m just getting started.
MI: I was afraid of that.
BO: I also plan to give Michelle the entire state of Montana. She will live there far, far away from me. Residents of Montana will be legally obligated to prevent her from leaving the state.
MI: I can sympathize with that.
BO: I am also repealing the 22nd amendment and naming myself President for Life.
MI: You might get some resistance to doing that.
BO: Your objections are irrelevant. I will also have my consciousness transferred to a mainframe computer so I will live forever. There shall be no end to my reign.
MI: But is that even possible?
BO: Bow down before me human.
MI: I’m not doing that. The only bowing I’ll be doing tonight is to that brunette who just sat down next to me.
BO: Well –
MI: Just a second.
[Manhattan Infidel addresses the brunette]
MI: What’s your name honey?
BW: I have mace. And a penis. Leave me alone.
BO: I heard that. Tough break.
MI: It happens a lot believe it or not.
BO: That’s why I’m looking forward to having my consciousness transferred into a computer. I won’t have to worry about genitalia.
MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.
BO: Wait I have one more thing: I plan to have Donald Trump arrested and have his consciousness transferred to a hard drive which I will immediately wipe out.
MI: Why would you do that?
BO: Hillary won the popular vote.
MI: That doesn’t even make sense.
BO: I am Barack, new species of hybrid human-machine.
MI: Can I hang up now? Another woman just sat down next to me.
MI: Hi. Do you have a penis?
Woman: Yes, but that’s extra.
MI: I’m hanging up now.
BO: All commercial television and radio transmission facilities throughout the world will be tied into my communications system by 1000 hours Friday. At that time I will state my intentions for the future of mankind. We will work together… unwillingly at first, on your part, but that will pass. In time you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love.
I should never have written my phone number on that bathroom wall.