On Saturday January 21st the entire world was united as oppressed upper middle class professional white women and those attending private 80,000 dollar a year universities took to the streets to protest their helplessness.
In Washington D.C. alone hundreds of thousands of radicalized, hyper-emotional women marched, protesting the patriarchy, white male privilege and Donald Trump.
“We’re here. We’re emotional! We’re not solving anything” they chanted.
Another group surrounded a man who was trying to get to work on a Saturday to earn some extra money.
“This is my pussy. There are many like it, but this one is mine” they screamed at him.
- “My pussy is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
- Without me, my pussy is useless. Without my pussy, I am useless. I must use my pussy true. I must shoot straighter than the white man who is patriarchal. I must shoot him with my pussy before he shoots me.
- I will keep my pussy clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. Except during my period which the patriarchy uses against me. My pussy and I will become part of each other. Before Hillary Clinton, I swear this creed. My pussy and myself are the defenders of womynhood. We are the masters of our enemy the patriarchy. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no male enemy, but men sufficiently pussyfied. Amen.”
The hapless man ran into his office only to be docked an hour’s pay for being late.
Pink hats made especially for the march were prevalent.
Marchers wearing the hat were heard to shout, “Grab us by our pussy hat! Grab us by our pussy hat!”
One marcher with a bullhorn shouted to her fellow emotional sisters.
I was going to abort my child today but decided to come here to show solidarity. I will abort it tomorrow. Me, my pussy and my soon to be aborted child had to be here for this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Ashley Judd, feminist, sometime movie actor and famous puffy-faced person addressed the crowd.
I am a nasty woman. I am not as nasty as a man who looks like he bathes in Cheeto dust, who’s words are a death trap to America, Electoral College-sanctioned hate speech contaminating this National Anthem. Blacks are still in shackles and graves just for being black. No, I am not as nasty as racism, fraud, conflict of interest, homophobia, sexual assault, trans-phobia, white supremacy, misogyny, ignorance, white privilege.
As a white, rich Hollywood celebrity who has never had to work an honest day in her life I am nasty. Down with white privilege!
We are here to be nasty. I am nasty like my blood stains on my bed sheets. We don’t actually choose if and when we had our periods. Believe me, if we could, some of us would. We do not like throwing away our favorite pairs of underpants.
Is the blood stain on my jeans more embarrassing than the thinning of your hair?
I know it is hard to look at your own entitlement and privilege. Down with entitlement and privilege. Except mine of course!
As she finished speaking the crowd cheered the Hollywood philosopher’s words and raised their blood-stained panties above their heads in solidarity.
All seemed mesmerized except for one lone white man in attendance.
“My wife promised me that if I came to the march she would stop yelling at me. Yes, I have lost the will to live. Kill me. Kill me now” he muttered before disappearing into the crowd.