Village of Honahlee Overrun by Lying, Dirty, Thieving Hippies!

See these assholes? No one wants them in Honahlee any more.

See these assholes? No one wants them in Honahlee any more.

The mayor of Honahlee called an emergency session of the town board after an influx of hippies disrupted the community.

“We’re a small village not used to outsiders” said the mayor.

But since that song came out about Puff the Magic Dragon, everyone thinks were some sort of goddamn Woodstock. I can’t take it any longer. The town can’t take it any longer. We need a solution!

The head of Honahlee’s Chamber of Commerce spoke next.

“This is killing our business” he declared.

People are afraid to come out of their homes now, especially at night. And if people are afraid they won’t be spending money. Why the other day I opened up my garage door to go to work and a hippie was in my driveway. He asked me for change and if I knew a good place to frolic. I turned my garden hose on him and said “Take a bath you damn hippie!”  They’re killing us!  F*ck Peter, Paul and Mary and that damn song. 

The Village’s Sheriff outlined how his jail is reaching capacity because of the influx of hippies looking to frolic.

I have a zero tolerance policy to these filthy animals. If I see a hippie I arrest him and throw his thieving ass in jail. But now I have no available beds. They are all filled with hippies. And being hippies none of them can make bail. But it gets worse. The damn noise! They started a drum circle in the prison. Dozens of bongos all going at once. Sometimes they were dancing. I had to taser them all. You know my prison is never going to be clean again. I’ll have to fumigate the place.

A mother walking her child to school tells of a frightening incident with a pack of wild hippies.

There was about six of them. I could smell them before I saw them. Then they surrounded us and asked where they could find Puff the Magic Dragon. “We just want to frolic with him. Do you think he’d want to join our drum circle?” My child started crying. She didn’t understand why the adults were wearing sandals and t shirts during the week.

So concerned were residents that “No Frolicking” signs were placed all around town. Unfortunately they had no effect.

Resigned to a permanent influx of hippies it was decided by the Village fathers to restrict frolicking to certain areas and times of day.

“We want the hippie frolickers away from children and schools” said the mayor.

Keep the hippies segregated to the beach areas during off hours. If we can’t see them or hear them then it’s not our problem. Also the hippies will have to apply for a “frolicking” license at the town hall. Once the license is approved they will be granted access to the few designated frolicking areas. Also they will get a bar of soap. Just saying. This had better work. And they had better clean up after themselves or I’m sending some teamsters to kick their ass!

As a backup in case nothing else works, the Village’s chief counsel has initiated a lawsuit against Peter, Paul and Mary.

“They’ve defamed us with this Puff and frolicking shit. We’re going to make them pay!”

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