With the inauguration one week away much has been written on the so-called “Trump-Russia” connection. Because I care about the future of America
my account to those Asian porn sites has been deactivated and I have nothing else to do I will now present in its entirety the full CIA dossier on our President-elect.
- TRUMP along with his team of operatives, regularly cheat while playing dungeons and dragons.
- TRUMP pushed a homeless man in front of a subway car. Our evidence indicates that he laughed and said “Bitches” while doing this. The CIA feels this is indicative of his mental instability.
- On May 24th 2009, while walking through Central Park in an attempt to beat up the homeless, TRUMP did stop at a hot dog cart and ordered one hot dog. HE DECLINED AN OFFER FOR MUSTARD ON HIS DOG. CIA interpretations for this are divided but the consensus is he’s probably an alien, most likely Romulan. According to our sources Romulans have an aversion to mustard. We have kept a close eye on him since then. While not openly hostile like Klingons, Romulans are sneaky and subversive, much like redheads.
- As a young man, TRUMP traveled to Hollywood and convinced the producers of Bewitched to fire Dick York and replace him with Dick Sargent. He also suggested that Sargent change his name to “Dick Lieutenant.” While the producers did not change his name they did hire Sargent, resulting in three years of, in the professional opinion of the CIA, “very sucky” Bewitched.
- In the early 1970s,TRUMP invented the eight-track tape. Our best intelligence indicates he did this to destabilize American society so he could lead a coup against all that is decent and right in our world.
- While the evidence on this is unsubstantiated and admittedly controversial, the Agency believes that TRUMP ordered the Beatles to fire Pete Best. Though only 16 at the time he was already well on the way to becoming a total bastard.
- Evidence presented to us by our East German sources states that on our about April 12th, 2013 TRUMP came into possession of a time machine and traveled to first century Palestine to corner the real estate market. TRUMP may also have witnessed the Crucifixion of Christ. According to documents obtained in the Nag Hamadi library (Gospel of the Orange One, fragment 17B), an orange bystander shouted “You’re fired” to which Christ responded “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”
- TRUMP once attended a New York Rangers hockey game and asked “When halftime was?” This shows he is unfit to be President.
- Sources in MI6 have sent us a document that says that sometime in the fall of 1966 TRUMP, while vacationing in England, ran over and killed Paul McCartney with his car. The surviving Beatles were given hush money by Trump’s father and a Welsh actor with a resemblance to McCartney was hired to replace him. MI6 says this report is “factually incorrect though true in spirit.” We disagree and believe it is factually accurate.
- A contractor for the CIA, quoting a source who heard it second hand, tells us that TRUMP has repeatedly shown a preference for Susanna Hoffs over Belinda Carlisle. While not in itself disqualifying him from the Presidency it is a symptom of moral depravity. The Agency feels that TRUMP should be assassinated at the earliest opportunity and we have outsourced this to the Department of Education’s SWAT Team, which as we all know is a highly effective killing machine.
The evidence presented by the CIA is incontrovertible: Trump is unfit to be President! And I trust the CIA!