With his time as Chief Executive fast approaching an end, President Obama proved again that he intends to use his remaining time to accomplish the fundamental transformation of America.
The Executive Orders were announced on the White House website with a personal note from the President.
“My fellow Americans” began Obama.
It has been an honor to represent California, Illinois and New York these past eight years. I became your President with a promise to fundamentally transform this racist, homophobic, xenophobic, anti-Muslim nation. Due to obstruction from Republicans I have not been able to do this. However I have not given up. Therefore with a week left I feel it necessary to bypass Congress and issue the following Executive Orders. Thank you.
As a service to my readers I now present the full and complete list of Executive Orders:
- The week shall now consist of two 84 hour days called “Michelle” and “Barack.”
- Those who work more than 28 hours in any given day shall be granted overtime.
- Everyone travelling north to south or east to west must drive on the left side of the street. Those driving from south to north or west to east must drive on the right side of the street.
- Winter will become a time for a three-month long bacchanalia of decadence, involving sex, drugs and repeated viewings of Gomer Pyle.
- Parents can now legally sell their children on eBay.
- Children, however, cannot sell their parents, unless said parents do not support their trans-identity.
- The Pacific Ocean shall be drained so we can all walk to China.
- The words “be” “our” and “at” shall be abolished. In place of these words, one short fart shall signal “be”, two short farts shall stand for “our” and one long fart, I mean really really long fart will mean “at.”
- Two long farts shall be punishable by death, unless the perp really mean one long fart but was eating a lot of cheese.
- Joe Biden is a vampire. God it’s good to get that off my chest.
- Simon and Garfunkel shall reunite for a steel cage death match. The winner gets to fight Joe Lieberman.
- All references to the sinking of the Titanic shall be stricken from history. Why? I cried when Leonardo DiCaprio died because of the global warming which sank the ship.
- Pants. Who needs them? I don’t. Pants shall no longer be worn.
- Did I mention Joe Biden is a vampire? I did? Well it bears repeating.
- Speaking of bears did you see Leo DiCaprio get raped by that bear? I must say I was jealous.
- World War II shall be renamed “World War I Want to Go to Funkytown.”
- Speaking of Funkytown, all cable channels shall play this 24/7:
- The United States shall be renamed FunkyTown.
- Actually I wanted to rename the United States after this song, but I understand Putin holds the rights:
- All people must live in a dome underground. When they reach the age of 30 they shall be exterminated.
- A planet where apes evolved from men? There has to be an answer!
And there you have it readers. A fundamentally transformed America.