Following up on an earlier post that detailed the tragic “death” of Puff the Magic Dragon I was contacted by Puff himself from his prison cell who wanted to tell his story.
MI: Good afternoon Puff.
PMD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Thanks for meeting with me.
MI: Let’s start off with the obvious: I thought you were dead?
PMD: I was. But I’m a “magic” dragon you know. Nothing can kill me. No matter how fatally I may appear to be injured I always come back. Like the Clinton’s and socialism, which is a compassionate economic system by the way that allows us to make economic progress.
MI: Right. Anyway what happened to you after you were temporarily killed by the SWAT team?
PMD: I was taken to the morgue. Fortunately I woke up before the medical examiner started the autopsy. When they found out I was alive, to save face they sent me to this max prison upstate.
MI: Aren’t you worried you might never get out of here?
PMD: No. Like I said it’s just a face-saving measure by the authorities. We have a gentleman’s agreement. Once the heat dies down I will be allowed to go free as long as it’s in another state.
MI: So what’s prison like? What’s a typical day for you?
PMD: Fairly routine. I make license plates and try not to be raped. Actually that’s where most of my focus is, the trying not to be raped part.
MI: What have you learned in prison?
PMD: Never sleep on your stomach and stay on the good side of the kitchen staff.
PMD: If you make enemies with those who work in the kitchen they have a tendency to jizz all over your mashed potatoes.
MI: I see.
PMD: And you won’t know until it’s too late because it sinks into the mashed potatoes.
MI: Okay I get the idea.
PMD: Yeah, I never want to see mashed potatoes again.
MI: Do you hear from Jackie Paper? Do you keep in touch with him?
PMD: Jackie? That punk. He broke my heart. There was no reason for him to stop seeing me when he grew older. I could have helped him impress the girls. How many other boys in high school have a dragon they can ride? Chicks dig stuff like that.
MI: I bet they do.
PMD: But no. Jackie has to desert me. Leave me all alone frolicking in the autumn mist. Frolicking alone is not fun. Do you know what they call people who frolic alone in the autumn mist?
PMD: I was going to say strange. But it’s no fun frolicking alone.
MI: You mentioned moving to another state when you get out. Where?
PDM: New York probably. I’ve been in touch with MSNBC. They want me to host my own show. Hey, is it true that Megyn Kelly now works for MSNBC?
PMD: She can ride my tail anytime.
MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have?
PMD: Would you like to frolic in the autumn mist with me?
MI: Thanks but I don’t think so.
PMD: Is it because I jizzed in your mashed potatoes?
MI: You what? Um.
PMD: I’ll rock your frolicking world.
MI: No thanks. I really have to go.
PMD: I promise I won’t jizz all over the lunch basket when we are frolicking in the autumn mist!
And so ended my interview with the magical, incarcerated and ravenous dragon.