Distinguished service medal? Check. Now onto the Cub Scout merit badges!

Fresh on the heels of being awarded the Distinguished Public Service medal by Defense Secretary Ash Carter, President Obama was awarded all Cub Scout merit badges by the local cub scout troop in the Canoga Park section of Los Angeles.

“His visit was unexpected” said the troop leader.

We had just started our meeting with the pledge of allegiance when Secret Service burst in followed by the President. They ordered all our troopers to lie face down spread eagle while they did a spot check for weapons. As you can imagine many of our scouts have Swiss Army knives, which were confiscated. The President then ordered us all to stand at attention while he received every merit badge the Cub Scouts offer. This upset a lot of our scouts who had to earn theirs. They kept asking me why he was getting his for free.

As the Cub Scouts continued to murmur, Secret Service agents subdued those Scouts who were not sufficiently respectful.

“It’s our job to defend the President’s person and reputation” said an agent.

As the President was being awarded these badges we could not let this blatant lack of respect to our commander-in-chief go unpunished. So we started tasering the ten-year olds. This is preferable to shooting them because it is a non-lethal method. Most of the time. The little bastards are quick and tough to taser though. Usually we aim for the groin but most of them haven’t had their testicles descend yet so we missed the first time. That’s when we started beating them unconscious. Again, a non-lethal method of containment. Mostly.

As to why President Obama arrived in Canoga Park to receive merit badges press secretary Josh Earnest claims it was all routine.

The president was in LA to attend a party with some of Hollywood’s most respected and powerful movers, shakers, and cool cats. Also he never received any badges when he was in the Cub Scouts, probably because of racism, and that has always bothered him. So we found the nearest Scout troop and got the badges.

After receiving the merit badges President Obama took the opportunity to address the Cub Scouts (at least the ones that were still conscious.)

My fellow Cub Scout merit badge winners, it is my honor and privilege to join your ranks. When I was being awarded the Distinguished Pubic Service medal last week I had one thought running through my mind: This is good but it’s just a start. You see children, I will be retiring in ten days. And like all retired leaders I need medals to wear on my uniform as I lounge on the beach and one medal won’t cut it. The other retired dictators will laugh at me. I have been informed that you have about 28 merit badges that can be awarded. I now have them all. No other generalissimo will have 29 medals on his uniform. Only me. This is only fair as I am smarter than them. Once more thing. Before I leave I want to announce that I am replacing your troop leader with a black, lesbian transsexual. Thank you.

Then just as quickly as he arrived, the President departed with his retinue.

The Secret Service has sent the troop a $500,000 bill for its time. President Obama has generously waved his usual speaking fee.

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