My needs always come first

Today at Manhattan Interview I have the pleasure of interviewing the Science and First Officer of the Star Ship Enterprise, Lt. Commander Spock himself.

MI: Good afternoon Commander Spock.

Spock:Good afternoon human blogger.

MI: Do they have blogs on Vulcan?

Spock: No.

MI: Why not?

Spock: To expend energy on a vanity project that no one will read is highly illogical.

MI: I have readers!

Spock: Besides your mother?

[pause]

MI: Okay, next question. It is said that Vulcans have no emotions. Is this true?

Spock:  Yes. We have developed a philosophy of total logic.

MI: So it’s more of a philosophy than a biological fact?  You do have emotions?

Spock: Yes, but as i said we have developed a philosophy of total logic and lack of emotion.

MI: You never show emotion?

Spock:Never.

MI: What if you were trying to park and someone pulled into the parking spot ahead of you.

Spock:  I”d kill the son of a bitch. But this is an exception. 

I am annoyed

MI: To your philosophy of total logic.

Spock: Yes.

MI: So what brings you to Earth?

Spock: Yoga pants.

MI: Excuse me?

Spock: Yoga pants. I’ve noticed that many hot Earth girls prefer to wear these form-fitting clothes. This pleases me. 

Your shape in those yoga pants is pleasing to me

MI:  I see. Isn’t that an emotional response?

Spock: No. It is highly logical. Flawlessly logical. I would kill my captain and my friend for a chance to touch an Earth girl’s behind when she is wearing yoga pants. Kirk can keep his green women. I’ll take a hot Earth girl in yoga pants any day.

MI: Do you get many Earth girls?

Spock: Sadly no. Most Earth women cannot handle a Vulcan male sexually.

MI: Why is that?

Spock: Let’s just say it’s not just my ears that are pointed. Your male cats have barbs on their penis. It’s the same thing in a way.

MI:  I see.

Spock: Yes, no Earth girl can handle a Vulcan. Except oddly enough women from the Bronx.

MI: Well that’s about all the time – 

Spock: I frequent many of your Earth bars during happy hour just to talk to women in yoga pants.

MI: Do you have any success?

Spock: No. Most call me a creep when I ask if I can mind meld with them.

MI: And by mind meld you mean?

Spock: Rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against their backside.

MI: Um.

Spock: Fortunately Vulcans are immune to mace. 

MI: As I said we’re out of time – 

Spock: Is flashing illegal on this planet? If they won’t let me rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against their backsides perhaps I can just show them what they are missing out on?

MI: I wouldn’t recommend it.

Spock: This tendency of Earth girls to deny me my sexual reproductive rights is highly illogical.

MI:  Yeah well welcome to my world. Anyway, we are out of time. Live long and prosper Mr. Spock.

Spock: I shall do neither, for I have killed my captain and my friend.

MI: During the Pon Farr?

Spock: No, he was trying to park in my parking spot.

MI: I see.

Spock: May I rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against your backside?

MI: What? No! Well you’ll have to pay me.

Spock: Your desire for payment is highly logical. Wait here. I have to go find an ATM.

[Spock leaves]

MI: That was close. I better leave before that creep comes back.

[Spock re-enters]

Spock: Where did he go? Dammit. First Uhuru now this blogger. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. 

Nobody wants my barbed penis!

I must say I don’t like Vulcans and when elected President I will build a wall around Vulcan and force the Vulcans to pay for it.

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