A galaxy of high-profile Hollywood elite have put out a new video demanding that Congress stand up to Donald Trump and reminding us that they will always have our backs.
As a service to my millions hundreds of thousands thousands hundreds tens both of my readers I now present the text of the video in its entirety.
Jeffrey Wright
Dear members of congress
Sally Field
Dear members of congress
Mariah Carey
Dear members of – wait my monitor just went out.
Rosie Perez
I’m mad. And not just because i’m a Hispanic woman whose looks are rapidly fading
Keegan-Michael Key
Flabbergasted. And not just because I’m actually considered a celebrity.
Steve Buscemi
I’m worried for everyone. But especially myself. My agent said I should do this video. It won’t cost me any goodwill with the public he said.
Chubby unknown lesbian who may be Drew Carey
The majority of Americans, no matter who they voted for as long as it was Hillary Clinton, did not vote for racism, sexism or xenophobia. What? What’s everyone looking at? I’m no Keegan-Michael Key but I’m famous!
Keegan-Michael Key (again)
And yet Donald Trump won. And since he won people of color have been attacked in his name. Granted most of them were made up by people of color desperate for attention. But that’s none of my business. And how did Drew Carey get in this video? Stupid fat white guy. I want to attack him!
Rosie Perez (again)
You represent us in congress. Even though I didn’t vote. I was getting my breasts enlarged. Hey, I have to do that to get work in this sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic country!
Janet Mock
You are our last line of defense. Other than maybe buying a gun and defending myself. But I won’t do that. Guns are evil. Yes, I’m famous. I am. I’m more famous than Drew Carey. What’s he doing in this video about oppression?
Jeffrey Wright (again)
Here’s what we demand!
Mariah Carey (again)
Hey guys, my monitor is still out. Was I supposed to memorize this?
Bishop Gene Robinson of the Episcopalian church
To the the extent that Trump pursues policies of oppression we demand that you vigorously oppose him. Speaking of policies of oppression do you know how much alimony I had to pay my husband when we divorced?
Mariah Carey (again)
Guys. My monitor. It’s still down. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t memorize the script. Well, I’ll just wander aimlessly around until the next celebrity comes on.
Chubby unknown lesbian who may be Drew Carey (again)
We won’t remain silent.
Sally Field (again)
We expect you to have our backs. And we will have yours. Even though we don’t travel in the same social circle. Usually I’m flying.
Bishop Gene Robinson of the Episcopal Church (again)
We expect you to use your congressional powers to obstruct Trump. But I don’t want to talk about that. I still miss my ex-husband. He took everything in the divorce settlement.
Steve Buscemi (again)
Signed, the majority of the American people. Hey, doing this video won’t ruin my career will it?
Mariah Carey (again)
Wait. The monitor. I think I remember what I’m supposed to say. Um. No I don’t. Boy this is awkward. I’ll just shake my middle-aged ass and no one will notice I have not memorized the script.
Wow. Thank you Hollywood. I have learned my lesson. I will never go against the will of Hollywood again.
For those of you who want to see your elite, Hollywood masters in action, the video is embedded below. Good luck.
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