Feds Reopen Clinton Email Investigation!

Give Anthony access to everything!

Give Anthony access to everything!

The FBI has announced that it is reopening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails after evidence was discovered in an unrelated investigation.

While the “unrelated case” has not been officially identified sources say it has to do with Huma Abedin’s estranged husband, serial texter Anthony Weiner (picture here.)

Huma Abedin's estranged husband

Huma Abedin’s estranged husband

Having spent all weekend laying on the couch drinking cans of beer investigating the leads, I have devised the following timeline into the scandal that just might end Hillary Clinton’s chances of being America’s second female President (James Buchanan being the first.)

Document No. 1 (Conversation between Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin)

HRC: Huma, I have tons of emails here I don’t know what to do with.  Can you just log into the server when you get home and organize them?

HA: No problem. But are these classified top secret?  I don’t have clearance.

HRC:What difference does it make.  Just look at all the emails and decide what to do with them.

HA: Yes, ma’am.

HRC:  Huma I’m sorry I’m so rough on you. It’s just that……

HA: Yes?

HRC: Will you touch me?  This infidel has been very naughty.

HA: Ma’am?

HRC: Oh Huma Allah is angry with me.  I need to be spanked. Spank me!  Spank me I’m a filthy infidel!

HA: Should I use lotion this time?

HRC: No lotion.  Make me feel pain!

[Sounds of spanking and moaning]

HRC: Now don’t forget about the emails!

HA:  Shut up or I’ll gag you.

HRC:  Do it!  Do it!  I’m filthy and dirty and deserve it!

[Sounds of HRC being gagged]

At this point the transcript is garbled but I assume it involves conversation about  foreign policy and penetration in the rear of one’s defenses.

Document No. 2 (Conversation between Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner)

AW: What have we here?

HA: Classified emails from Mrs. Clinton.

AW: Can I read some of them?

HA: Sure knock yourself out.

[Huma leaves the room]

AW: Wow, so we killed Muammar Gadafi on Putin’s orders?  Who knew!

[Abedin re-enters the room wearing a see-through negligee]

HA: Anthony, can you come to bed with me tonight? I long for your touch.

AW: What? You mean actual physical touching?

HA: Yes, like normal people.

AW: That’s disgusting.

HA:  Please Anthony I’m so lonely.

AW:  You know our arrangement. No physical touching. We stay in separate rooms and I email you photos of my dick and talk dirty.

HA: [Sigh] I knew I should have stayed with Bill Clinton.

And so readers, thanks to my hard work we now have crucial documents that may derail Hillary’s dream of becoming President. I can’t say I’m surprised.



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