Democrats Push Voting Rights for Zombies

Let these people vote!

Let these people vote!

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced today that when Hillary Clinton is sworn in on January 20th her first order of business will be working with the new President on an amnesty bill for zombies.

“The undead must be brought into the mainstream” she told reporters.

Since the zombie apocalypse started many have tried to fight them and to deny their existence. To us who are not undead zombies can be invisible at times and the only time we pay any attention to them is when they are biting into our flesh. Can you blame them?  We the living are responsible for this so-called “zombie rage.” They have a reason to be angry. All zombies want is respect. And full citizenship. Our colleagues on the other side of the aisle want to deport zombies, to segregate them, to kill them. Is this a compassionate policy? 

Pelosi then laid out her “Path to Citizenship” for zombies.

First off there must be amnesty for all zombies. Everywhere. I don’t care how many of the not undead you have eaten. I don’t care if you’re eating the not undead right now. Zombieism is an act of love. Zombies are here, undead and they are here to stay. So step one is amnesty. No zombie prosecutions. No more killing of zombies. Step two we must create a “path to citizenship” for zombies. Zombies who have been undead for five years or more should get citizenship. If they have zombie relatives they should be granted citizenship. Step three will be desegregation of the zombie population. This will be forced if necessary. To paraphrase Martin Luther King, I have a dream that one day the undead will be judged not by the content of their undead decay, but on the content of the characters. Now I know many are saying that the undead should not be allowed to vote. But we Democrats let the dead vote, so why not the undead!

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) had this to say about the Democrat’s proposal:

I am a respectable, mainstream Republican. This means I usually give the Democrats whatever they want. But this I must oppose. There is  no way zombies can ever be assimilated into American society. Undead values are not the values of the not undead. They have no jobs. No values. All they do is shuffle about looking for food. They are like the white trash of the south but without the affinity for country music. We must not let our guard down with the undead. They are dangerous. Granted not as dangerous as white, blue-collar conservatives but dangerous nonetheless.

As Ryan finished his words a recently-turned zombie bit into his neck.

“My god somebody help me” screamed the Speaker. “This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I’m a compassionate conservative!”

Ryan then died of his blood loss before turning into one of the undead. He was last seen wandering down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington looking for someone to bite.

Despite their political differences Nancy Pelosi reiterated that her path to citizenship bill for zombies also applies to Ryan.

“Unless he’s Irish, of course.”


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