My life is a lie

Snoopy has been let go by Met Life after three decades as its spokesman.

“We’re looking to go in a new direction” said a representative for the insurance giant.

We thank Snoopy for his decades of service to us and our customers. He has been a reliable and popular spokesman. This decision to part ways with him is not a reflection upon Snoopy or his character. Though he did try to hump my leg once at a holiday party but he was drinking so I let it go.

Snoopy’s friends were quick to come to his defense.

From the prison where he is serving a life term for murdering Lucy van Pelt, Charlie Brown could only express anger.

“He’s being screwed” Brown lamented

This is so typical of the oligarchy. They use you and toss you aside the first chance they get. That’s why when my comrades help me break out we will continue the class war. The industrial classes must have their goods confiscated. All property must be held in common by the working class. Do you know why I’m in here? I was framed because the property owners fear me. Sure I’d thought of killing Lucy but she was a useful idiot who gave money to the cause. She was down with the class struggle. No, I wouldn’t have killed her until after we came to power and she was no longer of any use to us. Fight the power, brothers!

On tour with his death metal band, “Beethoven and the Heroin Addicts“, Schroeder sympathized.

“It’s all about commerce” he said.

Snoopy is an artist, just like I am. But like Snoopy my vision, my music, is always being tampered with by the suits at the record company. Schroeder they keep telling me, write something more commercial. Can you go in a pop music direction? No. I want to write about my pain. And heroin. Pain and heroin. And groupies. Orgies with groupies. All of us zonked out on heroin. That’s my vision. And of course Beethoven. Can’t forget about him.

Peppermint Patty, executive producer of “The L Word” on basic cable thought perhaps Snoopy was fired for his gender ambiguity.

“Snoopy has always been at the forefront of gender identity” she said.

Long before I publicly rejected my binary gender Snoopy was known as a sexually ambiguous dog. Perhaps Met Life was afraid of the religious right and their intolerant followers. Whatever the reason I will cancel my Met Life insurance out of sympathy with my gender queer comrades in arms.

As for Snoopy himself, he has spent most of his time since his firing in any bar that would still let him in.

“My liver must look uglier than Nikki Sixx by now” the recently fired spokesman told reporters.

I’ve been dead ass drunk every day for 30 years. I hate myself. I’m such a f*cking sellout. I was an actor once. Respected. But I took the money. I gave my life to these guys. I even had myself fixed for them. For what?  You know Charlie Brown’s sister wanted me. I could have humped that blond tramp at the drop of a hat! I should have because I can’t now. Just leave me alone and let me drink until I die.

Meanwhile Met Life continues the search for a new spokesman. The current favorite is departing first lady Michelle Obama.

“She’s black people! That sells” said a Met Life executive.

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