The Death star before its upgrade

The Galactic Empire announced today a major overhaul of the Death Star, replacing its power source with a series of wind farms that will be housed on the exterior of the Star.

“This is a great day for the environment of the Empire” declared the Galactic Empire’s leader, Emperor Sheev Palpatine.

We must all work together to save our environment. Empire warming is the most serious threat that the Empire faces. It’s even more serious that the Rebel Alliance, who despite our political differences, I’m sure care about the environment as much as we do. Now there are those who say that this step isn’t necessary. There are those who say that the Empire’s first mission is to defend itself against the Rebel Alliance. That was the old paradigm. The new paradigm is the environment first, the environment always! I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly Emperor Sheev Palpatine, who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi. Though if I were I’d purge them in an environmentally-friendly fashion.

As for how he will pay for the upgrade to the Death Star, which is estimated to be five times the annual budget for the Empire, Palpatine says that has already been worked out.

I am going to raise taxes on the productive class of the Empire. Those capitalists have long been opposed to my compassionate socialist agenda of income redistribution and single-payer health care. Let the capitalists feel the outrage of our citizenry!

Palpatine then went on to announce surprise peace negotiations with the Rebel Alliance.

I have spoken to Princess Leia on several occasions. She is tired of fighting and is receptive to peace. She wants to live in harmony with us and believes that a power-sharing agreement can be brokered. All she asks in return is that I destroy all my Eddie Fisher CDs. I have no idea who Eddie Fisher is or what a CD is but if that’s her only demand then I’m down with it. I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly Emperor who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi.

Still not all are happy with the new environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly direction of the Empire. Sith Lord Darth Vader in particular promises resistance.

“If it weren’t for my pension I’d quit now” he told colleagues.

It’s bad enough I’m stuck in this cyborg costume, hell my waste disposal unit backed up twice last week,  but at least I thought I was doing the will of the Emperor. Now what? i’d relax with a beer but I can’t get a straw through my f*cking mask!

Undaunted by opposition Emperor Palpatine has ordered all Eddie Fisher CDs to be destroyed.

“I’ll start with the Jedi. If anyone likes Eddie Fisher it would be those wimps. Again, not that I’m a Sith lord who seeks to purge the Jedi. Just saying.”

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