ISIS Buying Samsung Galaxy Note 7s!

ISIS's secret weapon!

ISIS’s secret weapon!

In a disturbing security development it has been learned that ISIS fighters are having Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones shipped to them to use against the west.

“This is of course not going to be tolerated by us” said President Obama.

ISIS is the enemy of western civilization and western values. If they succeed in monopolizing the market on these exploding phones they will have a weapon of terror they could use against us.

Accordingly Obama signed into law the “Exploding Phone Parity Act of 2016.”

I have ordered our military to contract with Samsung to buy their discontinued galaxy Note 7s. We cannot, will not allow these dangerous weapons to be cornered by our enemies. With our forces equipped with Samsung Galaxies we can take the offensive and bring the war to them.

With that President Obama introduced the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,  General Joseph Dunford to explain how the Samsungs will help the United States win the war on terror.

“This phone which I hold in my hand is cheap, lightweight and portable” he told reporters.

No longer will we need expensive air planes to drop bombs on our enemies.  Now we will simply mail them to ISIS and blow them up before they blow us up.

President Obama then had General Dunford demonstrate the firepower of a Galaxy Note 7.

Putting the phone in his pocket Dunford asked assembled reporters to stand back.

It’s essentially just a waiting game now. I’ve been told that the Galaxy Note 7 has more explosive power than the bombs we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. Hey wait, what?  Maybe I should have thought this through.

As reporters watched in amazement, General Dunford then burst into flames. As he screamed in agony the reporters scrambled to get the best photos.

“It was like the shorts George Michael wore in that Wham! video. I couldn’t look away” said one reporter.

Dunford (pictured here)

The Galaxy 7 will win the war for us!

The Galaxy 7 will win the war for us!

was put out by White House fire control personnel.

“As you can see” said the President, “these phones are lethal.”

I urge all Americans who are in possession of a Galaxy Note 7 to turn the phone off immediately and send it to the Pentagon so we can being shipping them overseas. Now there are certain sections of our country that are worried that we might be tempted to use these phones against right-wing militia groups. They need not fear. That is unconstitutional and we already have a contract to kill them using drones. Once that contract expires we will look into using them against domestic enemies of the state.

Dunford’s badly charred body was then taken out and used as compost.

ISIS has vowed to burn all Americans it can with their phones.

“It’ll be like that nightclub in Rhode Island” said an ISIS fighter.  “No one will survive.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    George Michael?!?

    And you didn’t post a graphic content disclaimer? Infidel… looking forward to your Amy Schuler piece.

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