Goldfinger Angered That United States Adopts Fiat Currency!

All that planning for shit? What the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

All that planning for shit? What the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Auric Goldfinger, 42-year old expatriate from Riga Latvia, the richest man in England and treasurer of the Soviet counterintelligence agency SMERSH, expressed amazement and anger that the United States has abandoned the standard.

“It just makes no sense” he told his operatives.

To base your entire economy on a currency that is not backed in gold is just asking for trouble. It’s going to lead to inflation and devaluation of the currency.  Mark my words by 2020 the currency will be worthless. I mean what the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Sipping a mint julep on his farm in Kentucky, Goldfinger became increasingly agitated as he warmed to his subject.

Of course I have selfish reasons for wanting governments to keep the gold standard. My wealth is based on gold. I’m obsessed with it. I even have gold-bound erotic photographs. I love gold. That’s why I came up with Operation Grand Slam. You see all I want to do is explode a nuclear device at the Ft. Knox repository. Then all the gold will become radioactive and useless. The value of my gold reserves will increase and I will become the most  powerful person in the world. Even more powerful than Arthur Burns, the head of the Federal Reserve. I mean I spent years planning this. Years. And now Nixon goes all fiat on me. 

Goldfinger then threw his mint julep against the wall.

Goddamn Nixon. The EPA was bad enough but a fiat currency?  That’s going to lead to federal budget deficits and increase our debt into the billions. Billions! Jesus. All that planning. Operation Grand Slam is useless now. What the point of poisoning the gold supply at Ft.Knox?  What’ the point of my gold? Useless. Useless.  Now I know how John Wilkes Booth felt.

Goldfinger put his head in his hands and wept.

You know it would all be worth it if only my personal pilot, Pussy Galore, 

Why won't Goldfinger believe I'm a lesbian?

Why won’t Goldfinger believe I’m a lesbian?

would return my love. I don’t know why she won’t. I’ve given her gifts. Real gold. But she won’t let me touch her. Why not? I’m man. All man. Just let me touch you. I’m so lonely. All I have is gold. She tells me she’s a lesbian but I don’t believe her. Women always tell me that. Well if she won’t give me what I want I’ll get it from my manservant OddJob. This just too much. Well Nixon is going to hear from me!

From the White House, President Nixon responded to Goldfinger’s criticisms.

Auric Goldfinger is important to the Republican party and we need his support. Nevertheless we need to abandon gold. This will loosen the dollar, we can print more and inflation will lower.

As for Goldfinger, he plans a not-so-subtle protest.

“I’m going to have ‘Yes to the Gold Standard’ tattooed on my ass. Then maybe Pussy will like me.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    The best thing about fiat currency is that you can make it be whatever you want.

    I learned that in re-education camp.

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