Spock Confesses: The Secret to His Success at Chess? He Cheats!

Look at Spock's face. It's evil. He's a cheater!

Look at Spock’s face. It’s evil. He’s a cheater!

Spock, first officer of the Starship Enterprise, and 3-D chess champion of Star Fleet, has addressed long-standing rumors about his success.

“I cheat” said the highly-decorated Vulcan.

I’ve been cheating since I started playing. Cheating is fascinating and flawlessly logical. The humans place great emphasis on winning. I realized pretty early on if I was going to have any stature or respect among these racist humans I was going to have to win. So i started cheating. With my knowledge of math combined with the illogicality of humans it was easy. 

Confirmation of Spock’s cheating has riled his fellow crew members.

“Why that green blooded son of a bitch” said Chief Medical Officer Leonard “Bones” McCoy

He’s been playing me for a fool all these years. All this time he’s been crying racism. Poor Vulcan oppressed by humans. So I felt sorry for him. Even when i was playing chess with him I suspected something was up. I didn’t want to accuse him of cheating because I felt sorry for the pointy-eared son of a bitch. And I wanted to be nice. But not any more. This old country doctor is going to confront him.

You green-blooded cheating son of a bitch!

You green-blooded cheating son of a bitch!

I’m going to give him a piece of my mind and I don’t care if he thinks I’m being illogical. The next time he needs a blood transfusion I might give him Klingon blood. Hey, shit happens. I’m just a illogical, error-prone human.

Apparently the only officer who knew of Spock’s cheating was communications officer Uhuru.

“I was in on it” she said.

Spock and I have a spiritual and physical connection. Vulcans are so sexy! Anyway whenever Spock plays Kirk he has me sashay around in my tight uniform. It distracts Kirk. He starts to sweat and cannot concentrate.

Look at this Kirk. You'll never have it.

Look at this Kirk. You’ll never have it.

He deserves it. Sexist pig is always asking me to go to his quarters for “inventory.” We know what that means. I’d accuse him of sexual harassment but Star Fleet is still a boys’ club. The crap I have to put up with! This sister has had enough. Spock is the only man who respects me.

Despite the friction on the Enterprise caused by Spock’s admission of cheating, Captain Kirk is prepared to forgive him.

Spock is my first officer” said Kirk.

I owe him some loyalty. I just can’t have him replaced. I’ll talk to him privately and tell him that while cheating is logical and everyone does it, hell I cheated on the Kobayashi Maru simulator, humans still get upset when you admit to it. Besides, I owe him my life a dozen times over. Isn’t that worth a career?

Meanwhile Spock and Uhura, both vacationing on the pleasure planet of Risa have no intention of changing their ways.

“F*ck them all” Spock said as Uhuru sat on his lap.

“Humans are beneath me. As Uhuru will be shortly.”


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