Snowpocalypse!

The snow started Friday evening and continued until Midnight on Sunday.  When it was finished Gotham had 29 1/2 inches of snow, making it the second biggest storm in New York City history.

Being a member of the MSM I stayed up without sleep for the duration of the storm just so I can report the facts to you, my loyal readers.

9 am

I wake up after a refreshing night’s sleep the hooker and her cocaine never showed up.

Looking outside my window I see that Manhattan already has about 12 inches snow on the ground.  The snow was wet and heavy.  Much like Elton John in the shower. I get dressed and leave my domicile.  (Note:  I could say “residence” but domicile sounds fancier and might convince people that I am wearing pants as I write this.)

11 am

After a perambulation (Note: I could say “walk” but see previous note) of my neighborhood in upper Manhattan I return home and turn on the TV.  Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) is advising all residents that this is an emergency and they should “get off the streets.”

Hmm. Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, that’s right.

 12 pm

After an hour of watching “Storm team coverage” which consisted primarily of reports in knee deep snow saying “It’s snowing!” I decide to take a break and raid my refrigerator. Unfortunately all I have is beer and hot dogs.

2 pm

The social order begins to break down.

2:01 pm

Hey this is Manhattan.  The social order broke down during Mayor Lindsey’s administration 50 years ago.

2:02 pm

Beer.  Hot dogs.

2:45 pm

Governor Corleone Cuomo

Shame if something were to happen to your cold front

announces that the snow will stop.  “I made the snow an offer it couldn’t refuse.”

3:15 pm

Snow continues to pile up.  Governor Corleone Cuomo tells the snow that either is stops snowing or its brains will be all over the side of the street.

4:00 pm

Still snowing.  Governor Corleone Cuomo, realizing his impotence over the snow, decides his life is a lie, breaks down in tears and screams “Daddy I wanted the family business!  I’m smart. Not like people say!  I was passed over!  It’s not what I wanted!’

4:30 pm

With over 20 inches of snow already fallen I brave my second trip outside. I notice some people have resorted to cannibalism to stay alive.  “Manhattan appears normal” I note to myself.

4:52 pm

Snowzombies are sighted. Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) tells New Yorkers not to take any chances.  “Two shots to the head for each snowzombie.”  New Yorkers would be happen to comply but unfortunately it is impossible to obtain a carry gun license in New York. Many will die as a result. But hey, it’s for the children.

 5:30 pm

With nightfall descended upon Manhattan, and snow still falling, weary Gothamites head to the closest bars.  Yours truly, in the spirit of journalism that readers of this blog will recognize, decides to join them.

5:32 pm

I remember that there is a “Resident Evil” marathon on TNT and decide to stay home.  Mmm. Milla Jovovich.

She warms the cockles of my heart.

Mmm. Milla.

8 pm

Still watching Resident Evil. Still snowing.

Epilogue

All in all Manhattan got 29 1/2 inches of snow making it the second worst natural catastrophe in city history, behind only Simon and Garfunkel’s Central Park concert.  Like most people I had underestimated how large the storm would be.  (I stopped listening to the media years ago who all week were telling us that the storm would be historic.)

As penance for my sins of ignoring the new and eternal priestly caste in the MSM  I was ordered to watch 12 hours of MSNBC.  Give me strength O lord.  Give me strength to fulfill my penance.

For those who care, here are some photos from storm.

Inwood Park

Now begins the fun part. It will be in the ’40s all week which means this will melt, turn into slush and refreeze at night.

I blame Pete Best.

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