We”ll always have Mt. McKinley

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than the 25th President of the United States, the honorable William McKinley.

MI:Good afternoon Mr. President

WM:Good day to you, sir.

MI: So tell me, what is heaven like?

WM:Heaven?  I don’t think I’m in heaven.

MI:Oh, so you’re in the other place?

WM: No.  I don’t think I’m there either.

MI: Describe your surroundings.

WM: It’s very cold. There’s lots of snow and there is absolutely nothing to do.

MI: Okay so you’re in upstate New York.  Tell me, what is your proudest achievement as President.

WM: I’d have to say winning the Spanish American war and keeping America on the gold standard.

MI: The gold standard?

WM: Yes. Our currency must always be backed by gold.  If it isn’t you’re inviting runaway inflation. But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.  Americans wouldn’t be stupid enough to abandon the gold standard.

MI: Actually we have a fiat currency now.

WM: What the fuck?  

MI: What do you think your legacy will be?

WM: I don’t care. I’m dead.  As long as I can look out at Mt. McKinley I’ll rest content.

MI: Um.

WM: What?

MI: Well it’s been renamed.  It’s not Mt. McKinley anymore.  It’s called Denali.

WM: What the fuck? First you get rid of the gold standard then congress renames a mountain named after me?

MI: Actually congress didn’t do it. The President ordered it.

WM: The President?  He doesn’t have the power to do that.

MI: Yes he does.  He’s a constitutional scholar so he knows more about the Constitution than anybody.

WM: What’s his name?

MI: Barack Obama.

WM: Polish?

MI: No he’s black.

WM: Oh. so he’s a Republican.

MI: No he’s a Democrat.

WM: What the fuck? When did blacks become Democrats?  Don’t they know the Democrats are the plantation owners?

MI: I don’t think they care. 

WM: First you get rid of the gold standard. Then you rename my mountain. And now blacks are voting for the party that kept them in chains?

MI: That about sums it up.

WM: I give up.  It’s back to whiskey and hookers.

MI: Our time is about up.  Anything you’d like to tell my readers?

WM: Avoid Buffalo.

MI: Why is that?

WM: I was shot and killed in Buffalo. By a Polish man.  

MI: Tough break.

WM: I guess it could be worse.  I could have been shot in Cleveland.  Do you want to spend eternity in Cleveland?

MI: No. Anyway I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview.

WM: It was my pleasure. Oh, and if you see Teddy Roosevelt tell him his mustache makes him look gay.

MI: I will do that. Goodbye.

WM: Denali, eh?

MI: Yes.

WM: What the fuck?

And that concludes my interview with a crestfallen William McKinley.

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