Spectre will be expanding and becoming competitive in the 21st Century!

International criminal organization Spectre (Special Executive for Counter Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) announced at its annual meeting that they will be expanding and going public.

“The old days when we were the only criminal organization in the game are long over” said Spectre’s Chief Operating Officer, Ernst Stavros Blofeld (pictured here in a file photo).

We must adapt to changing circumstances.

What with ISIS, Putin, the Clintons, safe zones, Bernie Sanders, the EPA and young socialists everywhere we have stiff competition in the evil department. Drones are cutting down on our counter-intelligence profits and revenge and extortion are not money makers anymore, what with everyone having nude photos on their phones. Truth be told we were losing money. It’s time to come up with a new organizational model.

Accordingly Spectre will be adding an Information Technology Department, dropping revenge and extortion from its portfolio and going public.

Hiring a bunch of underpaid, stressed-out I.T. workers and farming them out as contractors is the forefront of evil today. We intend to get into this game. I’m just angry I didn’t think of this myself. We certainly wasted a decade on revenge and extortion when we could have been cornering the managed services market.

Spectre will be changing its name to “SpecTros!”

It sounds more modern than Spectre and it has the advantage of sounding like a drug company. Everyone knew what Spectre was. But SpecTros! It’s anonymous. That could be an advantage in the evil business. We’ve also hired a marketing firm to modernize our logo. I originally wanted an apple but Steve Jobs beat me to it. So right now a pomegranate is the leading candidate to become our image.

SpecTros! will also become public in May and currently its IPO is 72 dollars a share.

Our accountants are confident that we can bring in a couple hundred million just from the IPO. This will help us enter the managed service market in New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Los Angeles. And it will enable us to hire hundreds of senior level and junior level technicians and pay them 25 to 30 dollars an hour while the clients pay us 100 dollars an hour for our services. I tell you, evil is fun. That’s why we do it. I feel like a kid again at the thought of our mark up.

Blofeld will be coming to New York City at the end of March to promote SpecTros!.

Normally I’m a behind the scenes kind of guy. But during the IPO I will be the public face of the the company and need to generate publicity. I’ll be ringing the opening bell at the stock exchange and throwing out the first pitch at Yankee stadium. I’m also going to appear on the Tonight Show. My people are writing some jokes for me to use on the show. I’m hoping to become known as the witty face of evil.

Shares of SPecTros! can be bought online at Spectros!newfaceofevil.com

(25)

Do you have any change?

Last week I gave my readers an exclusive sneak peak at a deleted scene from the upcoming Batman vs Superman movie. The post was such a success I have decided to follow it up with yet another deleted scene.  Enjoy and pass the popcorn.

The scene: A busy Gotham laundromat late at night.  Batman is watching his clothes go through the rinse cycle when Superman shows up, carrying his laundry in a basket.

Batman: [Seeing Superman] Hey. What’s up.

Superman: Not much.  Laundry day.

Batman: Yeah.  I hear you. I used to have Robin do it but since I laid him off I do it myself.

Superman: So I heard.

Batman: Yeah, he was whining about his evaluation.  Said he needed a raise.  I told him that times were tough and we all have to tighten our utility belts. He didn’t like my answer so we agreed to part ways.

Superman: Where’s he working now?

Batman:  Last I heard he took a job at a call center.

Superman: Well he has a good phone voice. 

Batman: What? How would you know?

Superman: We’ve had, um, phone conversations. Late at night. After a few drinks. When I’m lonely. Listen I have to ask you – how do you keep the colors from running when you do laundry?

Batman: It’s simple. Separate your loads into light and dark items.  Also you want to minimize friction. You know, turn items inside out, zip up zippers.  Standard stuff really. Didn’t you do laundry on Krypton?

Superman: No. We had the underclass do it. They loved serving us.

Batman: Yeah, I bet.

Superman: Hey, all I have is a five.  Spot me some change?

Batman: No.  I don’t have any change.

Superman: What?

Batman: I said I have no change.

Superman: Bullshit. You have a change dispenser on your utility belt.

Batman: I’m not giving you any change. If you were going to do your laundry you should have brought some change with you.

Superman: No?  What do you mean no. Some f*cking friend you are.

Batman:  You have to learn Clark. Every time you come to the laundry you have no change and you have your goddamn head up your ass.

Superman: You’re a f*cking bastard.

Batman: Listen Clark. This is this.  This isn’t something else. This is this. From now on you’re on your own.

Superman: I fixed you up a million times!  I fixed you up a millions times with girls. And nothing every happens. Zero.  You know you’re trouble, Bruce, since we are using first names now. No one ever knows what the hell you are talking about.  This is this?  What the hell does that mean?  All I want is some f*cking change to do my laundry. This is this.  This is this? I’m not setting you up with any more women.

Batman: I’m not giving you any change.

Superman: F*ck you asshole.

[The laundromat manager comes over]

Manager: Hey knock it off guys. Or your both out of here.

Batman: He has no change. I’m not giving him mine.

Manager:  Why the hell not?  You have a change dispenser in your utility belt.

Batman: I’m not giving him any change. That’s final.

Superman: Asshole!

Manager: Here, Superman. I have some change. Take my change. 

[He gives Superman five dollars worth of quarters]

Manager: [To Batman] What’s the matter with you?

Batman: I’m Batman!

Once again, a compelling scene that I wish they have left in the final cut.  It proves that Batman takes two things seriously:  Fighting crime and bringing change to a laundromat.

(27)

I’m all man baby. No I’m not taking off this suit

Darth Vader has told friends that he is leaving Tinder.

“Tinder was my last hope of finding someone” said the mutilated Sith Lord.

I’ve tried them all.  Match, eHarmony. No luck. I even joined a rock band in hopes of meeting chicks. Nothing. Then again, I was the keyboardist so that might have something to do with why none of the groupies wanted me. So the Emperor Palpatine said “Try Tinder. You won’t believe how much pussy I get.” So I joined.  I was on it for five months. I met a few women but they all said I was a nice guy and perhaps we could be friends.  Friends? What am I? A math nerd? I don’t want friendship. I want to get my rocks off.

While Vader’s friends are sympathetic they say that this is to be expected.

“Look he’s mutilated” according to one close companion.

He had both his legs and an arm chopped off. Then he rolled into a lava flow. Stupid move. I told him not to roll into the lava flow. Avoid the lava flow. He gets all defensive and says “I just had my freaking legs chopped off. How the hell was I supposed to avoid the lava flow?” Hey, that’s not my problem. All I know is that a true Sith Lord would have found a way.

Interviews with a few of the women Vader met off Tinder confirm that he was unsuccessful in finding companionship.

“So I met him. His photos looked nice” said one women.

He was wearing this metal suit in all his photos. But I just thought he was a Cos player or something. So we meet for coffee and I ask him to tell me a little about himself.  “I have joined the dark side” he tells me. That’s when I told him that I was sorry but I don’t date Republicans. Well I don’t. I believe very strongly in social justice. And veganism.

Another woman tells of her shock at seeing his true form.

We met and had a few drinks. I was feeling randy so I invited him back to my place. “Why don’t you take your suit off while I slip into something more comfortable” I said. When I came out of the bathroom – naked mind you – he had his suit off. I almost threw up.  He was ugly, badly burned, disfigured and bald. Did I mention he was bald?  Hair is very important to me. Anyway he looked like Rod Steiger.

Darth Vader is not sexy

Not sexy at all. Not even sexy enough for a sympathy roll in the hay. So I kicked him out of my apartment.  He started crying as he put his suit back on.  “But I’m all man baby” he kept saying. I finally threatened to call the cops if he didn’t get his badly burned and disfigured penis out of my place.

As for Vader he maintains that his is not disappointed and that he will survive.

“I’ll just sit on the front porch reading books. Romance novels. I like them. They transport me to another place.”

(48)

Famous man with penis Caitlyn Jenner has been named the face of MAC Cosmetics.

“When I first decided to become a woman I dreamed of a moment like this” said Caitlyn.

Being a cosmetics spokesman is something all women do. I am a woman now. I am all woman.  Well, except for my penis but that’s just a small thing. I mean a technicality. But as a full woman, granted one without a functioning vagina, I am pleased and proud to be getting my own lipstick line. I hope all woman, including those biologically born as such who don’t have penises will be inspired by my experience.

On its website MAC Cosmetics announced the details of their partnership with Caitlyn.

Today MAC is proud to announce a partnership with Caitlyn Jenner, who is all woman despite what the haters say. The lipstick created by Caitlyn, Finally Free Except for my Penis Which Doesn’t Mean I’m Not All Woman, is part of our transgender initiative to improve the lives of non-biological woman.  Woman who are all women except for their Y chromosomes. But Y chromosomes are something only haters care about. Here at MAC Cosmetics we care about the transformative power of beauty and what it finally mean to be free. Except for a penis. 

The first commercial for Finally Free features video footage of Caitlyn with the following voiceover:

She’s screen-goddess beautiful. She is on a mission to do good. And at 6’1” (6’5” in heels), one gets the distinct impression that she could leap a tall building in a single bound, if she wanted to.  She probably could. Except her penis might create a drag if she tried to leap a tall building in a single bound. And then she’d explode into flames. So women, do not attempt to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Especially if you still have your penis.

Caitlyn’s brand of lipstick is reportedly “flying off the shelves.”

“Yes. They are flying off the shelves” said a local merchant.

No. I haven’t been warned to say that. I am saying it of my own free will. Flying off shelves. Totally flying off shelves. Women want to be like Caitlyn. Granted they might not all have penises but other than that Caitlyn is almost like them. What?  I mean why would I say that? I”m sorry.  Caitlyn is just like them. Caitlyn is a woman. All woman. Her penis does not define her. Was that good enough? So you’ll release my family?  They’re safe?

The Obama Administration has announced a new initiative called “Flying off the shelves.”

“We will be closely monitoring the sales for Caitlyn’s lipstick” said an administration spokesman.

Those stores that do not have acceptable levels of sales will be deemed “hate stores” and those who own such franchises will be held liable and face possible fines and jail time. There is no place for hatred in America!

As for Caitlyn she remains proud of her accomplishment.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am. But I am very excited. So is my penis.”

(42)

The reign of Dora may be imploding

Popular television personality Dora the Explorer, known for her travels and adventures, has come under fire after reports surfaced that she is actually an actor.

“This is quite shocking” said a television executive.

Dora is quite a popular show with children. My children watch it and enjoy participating in her adventures and helping her solve problems as they come up. And now you’re telling me it might all be fake? This will devastate my children. I work in show business. I’m not used to fakery.

The scandal first exploded when it was revealed that the “grumpy old troll” who lived under a bridge was a veteran character actor.

“Dora and Boots were never in any danger. It was all rehearsed. She would always solve the riddles and cross the road” according to the investigative reporter who broke the story.

I mean, hey, it’s a wonder no one realized this before. If it was real you’d think the grumpy old troll would realized his failure and look for another line of work. Or at the very least be fired by his supervisor and replaced by another grumpy old troll who provided tougher riddles.

The actor who played the troll, when questioned by reporters would only say “Hey look, I don’t want to get anybody in trouble, okay?”

I’m an actor and this is a job. I have bills to pay. Things are tough for white actors now. I was starring in Richard III but was replaced by a dwarf. For diversity they said. So I took this job.

The thieving fox who steals the possessions of others is a Hispanic actor who is deeply pained his role.

This thieving fox perpetuates negative stereotypes. I am brown and I am proud. My race has been kept down by the man for too long. What about the people who watch the show? Do they all think Hispanics are crooks? I bet they do. I’m getting heat from my people in the ‘hood because of this.

But the most shocking part of the growing scandal is Dora herself, who turns out to be a 37 year-old dwarf actor named Richard Haberstein. Haberstein, a long-time veteran of stage and screen was last seen playing a dwarf, transsexual version of Richard III off Broadway.

“What’s the big deal. It’s a job” said Haberstein.

I’m a professional. If I’m Richard III I’m Richard III. If I’m a young girl traveling the globe with a talking monkey I’m a young girl traveling the globe with a talking monkey. Besides they threw a shitload of cash my way to play this role. Was I supposed to turn it down? I’m making more than I ever did as Richard III. Everybody needs to grow up. So it’s a show. So it’s fake. You know what else is fake?  Dora’s vagina. Deal with it.

Nickelodeon Productions, which produces the Dora the Explorer show has vowed to make changes.

“First off we at Nickelodeon apologize for not being more upfront about it being staged” said a member of their PR department.

We promise to not withhold information like this in the future. Also, to make the show more diverse we are recasting the role of Dora and are looking for a Mexican. A short Mexican. Preferably a dwarf. And if he could be a transsexual that would be a big plus.

As for Haberstein, the recently deposed Dora, he vows to get back to his roots.

“I’d like play Hamlet on stage. I don’t think they’ve ever had a dwarf play Hamlet. I could even pretend to be a transsexual if the producers want.”

(20)

Get out of my parking spot!

As most people know, the new Warner Brothers movie Batman vs. Superman is scheduled for release on March 16. As is the case with most movies some scenes are filmed yet cut from the final version.

I was lucky enough to view the director’s cut including this deleted scene which I now present for my readers.  So please enjoy and pass the popcorn.

The scene:  The parking lot to Gotham City Hall.  11:16 am.  The Batmobile cruises slowly through the parking lot looking for a free space. Eventually one is found and a disgusted Batman steps out of the Batmobile.

Batman: Goddamn it. Who the hell parked in my spot?

Parking lot attendant:What?

Batman: My parking spot.  Someone parked in it.  

Parking lot attendant: I don’t know man. I just collect the tickets.

Batman: No one parks in my spot!  I’m Batman dammit. And Batman parks in the Batman parking spot.

Parking lot attendant: Whatever dude.

[Superman flies down and approaches Batman]

Superman: What’s the matter Batman?  Someone in your parking spot?

Batman:Yes. Someone took my spot.  It’s not fair. Do you know who parked there?

Superman: Why yes I do.  I parking in your spot. 

Batman: But why?  It’s my spot.  It says “Reserved for the Caped Crusader”

Superman:  I parked there because I have dedicated my life to stopping you.  You are my mortal enemy!

Batman: As you are mine, Krypton boy!

[Pause.  Both Batman and Superman shuffle their feet awkwardly]

Superman:  Why are we fighting?

Batman: I don’t know. I got nothing against you.

Superman:Then let’s stop this stupid feud.

Batman: Agreed.  You know I’m very pro-illegal immigrant. I must say I admire the way you have assimilated into American society.

Superman: Oh god, it’s starting again.

Batman: What?

Superman: I’m on a liquid diet to lose weight. Let’s just say after a couple days of no solids and drinking only pomegranate juice your body needs to make an adjustment. I had an urgent diarrhea attack over Philadelphia. I dumped all over some dude’s house.

Batman: Well that’s not too bad.

Superman: Yes it is.  Turns out he’s some sort of bigwig with PriceWaterhouseCoopers. I had to settle out of court.

Batman: Did you have to pay much?

Superman: Nah, I just have to show up at his kid’s birthday party.  Oh god.  I have to go.  I have to go!

Batman: Quick. Use the Batmobile. It has a portopotty built in. It’s the button on the left not the right.  The one on the right is the anal plug.

[Superman enters the Batmobile and closes the door]

Superman: Oh my god that’s such a relief.

Batman: I told you it was the button on the left!

[Superman leaves the Batmobile]

Superman: Man that felt good.

Batman: Did you flush? I have to use that to drive home.

Superman: Yep, flushed.

Batman: Anyway, I’m glad we’re not fighting.

Superman: So am I. Do you know who we should be fighting?  Ironman.

Batman: Definitely.  What a jabroni.

Superman: Total jabroni. Just because he’s rich he thinks he’s better than us. I don’t know where he gets his money.

Batman: It’s tough. Did you know that Gotham is raising the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour!

Superman: Are they crazy?  That’ll kill business.

Batman: Tell me about it.  I had to reduce Robin’s hours.

Superman: Wait. You pay Robin minimum wage?

Batman: It’s not exactly a skilled position.  All he does is look pretty in tights and say stuff like “Holy guacamole Batman.”  It was cute the first couple times but the novelty has worn off. I actually yelled at him and told him to shut up. He got so mopey he wouldn’t grease the Bat pole for a week if you know what you mean.

Superman: Um. I wouldn’t know about that.

Batman: Gotham is squeezing me out of business.  I’ve had to rent out the Batcave for corporate events and conventions just to make ends meet.

Superman: I feel for you.  Well I better get going.  Bye.

[Superman flies off]

Batman: Bye.  Hey wait!  Move your f*cking car first!

I don’t know about you but I’m sorry this scene wasn’t left in the final cut.  I only hope it’s included on the DVD.

(204)