An ISIS manager meets with an employee

Like all non-elites, I am not independently wealthy. As such I have often had the opportunity to fill out application forms for employment. I was intrigued when applications for ISIS were leaked.  Were they similar to what I have had to fill out? As a service to my readers I now present an ISIS application.  If you are looking for exciting, fulfilling work perhaps you’d like to apply?

ALL APPLICANTS MAY BE TESTED FOR ILLEGAL DRUGS OR JEWISHNESS!

Name: ________________________________________________________

Date:__/__/____

Telephone: (___) ___ – ____

Address of cave you are hiding out in: _______________________________________________

If under 18 please list age: ___

If you are under 18 would you be willing to work as a sex slave? __ Yes __ No

If no, please explain why: ________________________________________

Oh come on!  We really need sex slaves!  It’s for Allah! We’ll ask again. Are you willing to be a sex slave? __ Yes

Days/Hours available for work: No pref __ M__ T __ W __ T __ F __ S __ S ___

Employment desired:  __Full time only __Part time only __ Full or part time __ Sex slave only

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?  __ Yes __ No __ Yes but it was against a Jew

Do you have a drivers license?  __ Yes __ No __ Yes but it is only valid with goats

Would you be willing to drive a suicide car?  __ Yes __ No  __ Only if my goat is not injured

Do you have any of the following skills?

__ Building a suicide bomb

__ Wearing a suicide vest

__ Stabbing Jews

__ Shooting Jews

__ Beheading Jews

__ Microsoft Office

__ We’re not kidding about Microsoft Office.  We have paperwork too.

__ Stabbing Christians

__ Shooting Christians

__ Beheading Christians

__ Linux or Powershell scripting

Race:

__ Hispanic or Latino

__ Non-Hispanic or Latino (White)

__ American Indian or Alaska native

__ Pacific islander

__ Arab (Non-Jew)

Can you provide three professional (non-goat) references?

__ Yes

__ All my professional references are suicide bombers and are dead

Title VII of the ISIS Civil Rights Act of 2015 prohibits ISIS from discriminating in employment based on race, color, religion, sex, and national origin (excepting Jews).

ISIS is an equal-opportunity employer (excepting Jews).

Note: Any job offered to applicant by ISIS will be on a at-will basis and will not be construed as a legally binding contract giving employee the right to collective bargaining.

ISIS offers two weeks paid vacation per year, ten sick days, three personal days and six weeks paid leave for employees whose goat may be pregnant.

The following are ISIS holidays: Christmas, New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Suicide Bomber Commemoration Day.

The following are not ISIS Holidays and any ISIS employee taking off on these days will be terminated:  Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashana, Passover and Hanukkah.

Just as I suspected.  A typical application form.

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