I find myself thinking about the family I will never see again. I find myself thinking about the pizza I will never eat again.

Like many I watched Chris Christie endorse Donald Trump and wondered, “Why doesn’t anyone help this man?”  Surely there must have been a Navy SEAL team on standby ready to make the extraction? Couldn’t someone in Washington have made the call?

What was going through the mind of the hostage Christie?  Who knows the mind of man except man himself?  Fortunately as a blogger I have resources most people don’t.  I accessed Christie’s soul made shit up to find out what he was thinking.

And so, for my readers’ edification I now present: What was Chris Christie thinking.  (Chris Christie is void where prohibited by law.  Chris Christie valid in continental United States only.)

What was Chris Christie Thinking?

• Did I leave the oven on?
• Did I lock the front door?
• Why doesn’t Bruce Springsteen like me?
• I mean I really love Bruce! I’m a fan. I send him cards.  I sing his songs but he doesn’t like me.  This makes me sad.
• My god, I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan!
• Where the hell is that Navy SEAL team?  I’m ready for extraction!
• Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, “Kid, this ain’t your night. We’re going for the price on Wilson.” You remember that? “This ain’t your night”! My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.
• Conscience… that stuff can drive you nuts!
• I’ve never met anyone like Trump. There’s not a spark of sentiment or romance or human kindness in his whole body.
• I really like the second actor to play Lionel Jefferson better than the first actor. They both have the same last name.  I wonder if they are related?
• Underwear bunched up!  UNDERWEAR BUNCHED UP!
• No wait.  I don’t wear underwear.  Might be the slice of pizza that went missing.
• Mm.  Pizza.
• Donald Trump’s hair looks like a slice of pizza.
• Girl scouts should sell pizza not cookies.
• Why do birds suddenly appear/ every time Donald Trump is near/ just like me/they long to be/ close to him.
• This won’t harm my 2020 run for president will it?  
• People still take me seriously, right?
• Let’s get this press conference over. Pizza get in my stomach!
• Why is it free to enter New Jersey but you have to pay a toll to leave?  I really should do something about that.
• Maybe this isn’t a good idea.  Too late.  Already sold my soul.
• Buying a vacation home in Camden really isn’t paying off.
• Why does Jim McGreevy keep calling me his “chunky sugardaddy fantasy?”
• Don’t take Cialis if you are taking nitrates for chest pain.
• Chewbacca had  a limited range of vocal ability.  How was he able to express his feelings?  And did he eat pizza?
• Math is hard.
• Open the pod bay doors Hal.
• Is Kolchak: The Night Stalker available on Netflix?
• My god, it’s full of stars!
• I’m a seeker too. But my dreams aren’t like yours. I can’t help thinking that somewhere in the universe there has to be better pizza. Has to be
• Oh, there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love.
• A planet where apes evolved from men? There’s got to be an answer.
• Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was… We finally really did it. You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
• In a planet where apes evolved from men will the apes have better pizza?
• I have to pee. My doctor says I don’t have a going problem.  I have a growing problem.

You see readers, being a blogger has advantages. I know all your thoughts.  All of them!  The first time they tell you that the world’s turning and you just can’t quite believe it because everything looks like it’s standing still. I can feel it. The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at 1,000 miles an hour and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour, and I can feel it. I’m a blogger.

(46)