Darth Vader Quits Tinder; Vows to “Give Up Companionship”

I"m all man baby. No I'm not taking off this suit

I’m all man baby. No I’m not taking off this suit

Darth Vader has told friends that he is leaving Tinder.

“Tinder was my last hope of finding someone” said the mutilated Sith Lord.

I’ve tried them all.  Match, eHarmony. No luck. I even joined a rock band in hopes of meeting chicks. Nothing. Then again, I was the keyboardist so that might have something to do with why none of the groupies wanted me. So the Emperor Palpatine said “Try Tinder. You won’t believe how much pussy I get.” So I joined.  I was on it for five months. I met a few women but they all said I was a nice guy and perhaps we could be friends.  Friends? What am I? A math nerd? I don’t want friendship. I want to get my rocks off.

While Vader’s friends are sympathetic they say that this is to be expected.

“Look he’s mutilated” according to one close companion.

He had both his legs and an arm chopped off. Then he rolled into a lava flow. Stupid move. I told him not to roll into the lava flow. Avoid the lava flow. He gets all defensive and says “I just had my freaking legs chopped off. How the hell was I supposed to avoid the lava flow?” Hey, that’s not my problem. All I know is that a true Sith Lord would have found a way.

Interviews with a few of the women Vader met off Tinder confirm that he was unsuccessful in finding companionship.

“So I met him. His photos looked nice” said one women.

He was wearing this metal suit in all his photos. But I just thought he was a Cos player or something. So we meet for coffee and I ask him to tell me a little about himself.  “I have joined the dark side” he tells me. That’s when I told him that I was sorry but I don’t date Republicans. Well I don’t. I believe very strongly in social justice. And veganism.

Another woman tells of her shock at seeing his true form.

We met and had a few drinks. I was feeling randy so I invited him back to my place. “Why don’t you take your suit off while I slip into something more comfortable” I said. When I came out of the bathroom – naked mind you – he had his suit off. I almost threw up.  He was ugly, badly burned, disfigured and bald. Did I mention he was bald?  Hair is very important to me. Anyway he looked like Rod Steiger.

Darth Vader is not sexy

Darth Vader is not sexy

Not sexy at all. Not even sexy enough for a sympathy roll in the hay. So I kicked him out of my apartment.  He started crying as he put his suit back on.  “But I’m all man baby” he kept saying. I finally threatened to call the cops if he didn’t get his badly burned and disfigured penis out of my place.

As for Vader he maintains that his is not disappointed and that he will survive.

“I’ll just sit on the front porch reading books. Romance novels. I like them. They transport me to another place.”


2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    If only he had launched into his Disco Duck routine…

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>