Ay Carumba!

After his impressive showing on Super Saturday over the weekend, Texas senator Ted Cruz met with his top advisers to plot a strategy to beat Donald Trump.

“We did well” said his campaign manager Jeff Roe.

But we have to think long-term. We have to think past the nomination and into the fall campaign.  To beat Hillary in November we have to get more of the white vote. And to do that we have to convince undecided white voters that Cruz is an authentic Hispanic. White people like their peoples of color to be authentic.

Exit polls on Saturday revealed that Cruz would have gotten more of the white vote but for concerns that he wasn’t really Hispanic.

Thirty five percent believed that he was Eastern European or English. Fifty percent felt that he lacked a knowledge of Spanish. Many whites were horrified to learn that he could not name his favorite Cuban food. Obviously we have to do better on these fronts.

As part of this new long-term strategy to win the general election, Cruz has been hunkering down in Cuban restaurants trying a variety of Cuban dishes. The results so far have not been promising.

He keeps spitting out the plantains and frijoles negros – that’s Spanish for black beans. “This is shit. Can’t I just have a burger?” he would say. I had to slap him and tell him to keep his eye on the prize. Look this is going to take discipline. But if he can learn to look like he enjoys Cuban food we might pick up enough white voters to put us over the threshold.

Cruz has also been boning up on Spanish and could be seen at his headquarters asking staffers “Esta Susana en casa?”

Look learning Spanish should not be necessary. He’s Cuban for Christ’s sake. But we have to fill in the deficiencies in his upbringing. Obviously his parents neglected their heritage of color by denying him the chance to learn the language of peace. Instead he grew up speaking only English, which everyone knows is the language of war. So he’ll (Cruz) will be in some intensive Spanish camps so he can at least be conversational in the language. Once he has the ability to give entire speeches in Spanish we can be pretty sure we’ll have the white vote locked up.

It appears that Cruz’s efforts to court the white vote may be working.

“He appears more authentic” said one voter after Cruz shook his hand and said “gracias for your votos.”

Another voter came away impressed after seeing the candidate eat an entire Cuban sandwich.

It’s like he was representin’ for his people, the oppressed minority Hispanics. I like that. I like the fact that he ate an authentic sandwich of color and paid for it with authentic pesos. I wasn’t going to vote for him before. He was too phony. But now? This is an authentic Hispanic. Just like Cameron Diaz.

Still despite Cruz’s ethnic progress work still has to be done.

“He’s upped his Hispanic bona fides considerably” said Roe. “Now if we can only get him to play the bongos.”

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