Batman vs. Superman: The Deleted Scene

Get out of my parking spot!

Get out of my parking spot!

As most people know, the new Warner Brothers movie Batman vs. Superman is scheduled for release on March 16. As is the case with most movies some scenes are filmed yet cut from the final version.

I was lucky enough to view the director’s cut including this deleted scene which I now present for my readers.  So please enjoy and pass the popcorn.

The scene:  The parking lot to Gotham City Hall.  11:16 am.  The Batmobile cruises slowly through the parking lot looking for a free space. Eventually one is found and a disgusted Batman steps out of the Batmobile.

Batman: Goddamn it. Who the hell parked in my spot?

Parking lot attendant:What?

Batman: My parking spot.  Someone parked in it.  

Parking lot attendant: I don’t know man. I just collect the tickets.

Batman: No one parks in my spot!  I’m Batman dammit. And Batman parks in the Batman parking spot.

Parking lot attendant: Whatever dude.

[Superman flies down and approaches Batman]

Superman: What’s the matter Batman?  Someone in your parking spot?

Batman:Yes. Someone took my spot.  It’s not fair. Do you know who parked there?

Superman: Why yes I do.  I parking in your spot. 

Batman: But why?  It’s my spot.  It says “Reserved for the Caped Crusader”

Superman:  I parked there because I have dedicated my life to stopping you.  You are my mortal enemy!

Batman: As you are mine, Krypton boy!

[Pause.  Both Batman and Superman shuffle their feet awkwardly]

Superman:  Why are we fighting?

Batman: I don’t know. I got nothing against you.

Superman:Then let’s stop this stupid feud.

Batman: Agreed.  You know I’m very pro-illegal immigrant. I must say I admire the way you have assimilated into American society.

Superman: Oh god, it’s starting again.

Batman: What?

Superman: I’m on a liquid diet to lose weight. Let’s just say after a couple days of no solids and drinking only pomegranate juice your body needs to make an adjustment. I had an urgent diarrhea attack over Philadelphia. I dumped all over some dude’s house.

Batman: Well that’s not too bad.

Superman: Yes it is.  Turns out he’s some sort of bigwig with PriceWaterhouseCoopers. I had to settle out of court.

Batman: Did you have to pay much?

Superman: Nah, I just have to show up at his kid’s birthday party.  Oh god.  I have to go.  I have to go!

Batman: Quick. Use the Batmobile. It has a portopotty built in. It’s the button on the left not the right.  The one on the right is the anal plug.

[Superman enters the Batmobile and closes the door]

Superman: Oh my god that’s such a relief.

Batman: I told you it was the button on the left!

[Superman leaves the Batmobile]

Superman: Man that felt good.

Batman: Did you flush? I have to use that to drive home.

Superman: Yep, flushed.

Batman: Anyway, I’m glad we’re not fighting.

Superman: So am I. Do you know who we should be fighting?  Ironman.

Batman: Definitely.  What a jabroni.

Superman: Total jabroni. Just because he’s rich he thinks he’s better than us. I don’t know where he gets his money.

Batman: It’s tough. Did you know that Gotham is raising the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour!

Superman: Are they crazy?  That’ll kill business.

Batman: Tell me about it.  I had to reduce Robin’s hours.

Superman: Wait. You pay Robin minimum wage?

Batman: It’s not exactly a skilled position.  All he does is look pretty in tights and say stuff like “Holy guacamole Batman.”  It was cute the first couple times but the novelty has worn off. I actually yelled at him and told him to shut up. He got so mopey he wouldn’t grease the Bat pole for a week if you know what you mean.

Superman: Um. I wouldn’t know about that.

Batman: Gotham is squeezing me out of business.  I’ve had to rent out the Batcave for corporate events and conventions just to make ends meet.

Superman: I feel for you.  Well I better get going.  Bye.

[Superman flies off]

Batman: Bye.  Hey wait!  Move your f*cking car first!

I don’t know about you but I’m sorry this scene wasn’t left in the final cut.  I only hope it’s included on the DVD.


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