The reign of Dora may be imploding

Popular television personality Dora the Explorer, known for her travels and adventures, has come under fire after reports surfaced that she is actually an actor.

“This is quite shocking” said a television executive.

Dora is quite a popular show with children. My children watch it and enjoy participating in her adventures and helping her solve problems as they come up. And now you’re telling me it might all be fake? This will devastate my children. I work in show business. I’m not used to fakery.

The scandal first exploded when it was revealed that the “grumpy old troll” who lived under a bridge was a veteran character actor.

“Dora and Boots were never in any danger. It was all rehearsed. She would always solve the riddles and cross the road” according to the investigative reporter who broke the story.

I mean, hey, it’s a wonder no one realized this before. If it was real you’d think the grumpy old troll would realized his failure and look for another line of work. Or at the very least be fired by his supervisor and replaced by another grumpy old troll who provided tougher riddles.

The actor who played the troll, when questioned by reporters would only say “Hey look, I don’t want to get anybody in trouble, okay?”

I’m an actor and this is a job. I have bills to pay. Things are tough for white actors now. I was starring in Richard III but was replaced by a dwarf. For diversity they said. So I took this job.

The thieving fox who steals the possessions of others is a Hispanic actor who is deeply pained his role.

This thieving fox perpetuates negative stereotypes. I am brown and I am proud. My race has been kept down by the man for too long. What about the people who watch the show? Do they all think Hispanics are crooks? I bet they do. I’m getting heat from my people in the ‘hood because of this.

But the most shocking part of the growing scandal is Dora herself, who turns out to be a 37 year-old dwarf actor named Richard Haberstein. Haberstein, a long-time veteran of stage and screen was last seen playing a dwarf, transsexual version of Richard III off Broadway.

“What’s the big deal. It’s a job” said Haberstein.

I’m a professional. If I’m Richard III I’m Richard III. If I’m a young girl traveling the globe with a talking monkey I’m a young girl traveling the globe with a talking monkey. Besides they threw a shitload of cash my way to play this role. Was I supposed to turn it down? I’m making more than I ever did as Richard III. Everybody needs to grow up. So it’s a show. So it’s fake. You know what else is fake?  Dora’s vagina. Deal with it.

Nickelodeon Productions, which produces the Dora the Explorer show has vowed to make changes.

“First off we at Nickelodeon apologize for not being more upfront about it being staged” said a member of their PR department.

We promise to not withhold information like this in the future. Also, to make the show more diverse we are recasting the role of Dora and are looking for a Mexican. A short Mexican. Preferably a dwarf. And if he could be a transsexual that would be a big plus.

As for Haberstein, the recently deposed Dora, he vows to get back to his roots.

“I’d like play Hamlet on stage. I don’t think they’ve ever had a dwarf play Hamlet. I could even pretend to be a transsexual if the producers want.”

(20)