This repressive state should be invaded and subjugated.

In another blow to the long-dead concept of Federalism and States Rights, the United States announced that it will be suing North Carolina because of that State’s anti-LGBT legislation.

“The state of North Carolina seeks to force transsexuals to use the bathroom of their sex at birth, which was an accident, rather than respect the subjective truth of their mature gender identity” said Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

The legislature and the governor placed North Carolina in direct opposition to Federal laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sex and gender identity. They created state-sponsored discrimination against transsexuals who simply seek to pull their penis out of their panties and engage in the most private of functions in a place of safety.

The Attorney General then continued her unusually impassioned statement on the lawsuit.

It was not long ago that North Carolina had signs above restrooms restricting access based on the color of ones skin. Gender identity, like the color of a person’s skin, is complicated. What is a woman? What constitutes a woman? Female biological organs? Is that the limit of how we define womanhood? Or is it time to expand our definition of what a woman is? No as a tolerant, inclusive society we cannot let womanhood be defined by so-called female biological organs. Look at me.

Am I a woman?

Am I a traditional biological women? I don’t know myself. I have always self-identified as a woman. Well except for Sundays in the fall when I wear my wife-beater t shirt, down bottles of Bud and watch football. Hey, a woman can do that can’t she? I am all woman. All self-identified woman.

The Attorney General then mentioned that if North Carolina did not repeal its discriminatory bathroom law Washington would be forced to withhold billions of funding that would have gone towards their education system.

When a reporter asked if that might be considered blackmail, the Attorney General became indignant.

First off the term blackmail is racist. Secondly, the term blackmail should be called “whitemail” since it was the white man who invented that tactic. Now why don’t you be a good boy and behave yourself?

The reporter who asked the offending question was then ushered out of the room, but not before being notified that his tax returns for the last fifteen years would be audited.

Attorney General Lynch concluded the press conference by reminding reporters that no state has the right to disobey the Federal government.

States are merely convenient administrative units. They must bend to our will. I’m a Federal official and the Constitution isn’t my strong suit but I’m pretty sure this is in the Constitution. I mean I’ve never read it but I’m sure it’s there.

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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Carrot top

I stand with transsexuals everywhere

has announced that he will no longer perform in North Carolina until their bathroom law is repealed.

“I mean no one has asked me to come to North Carolina in thirty years. Something about scaring the children. But if they did ask me I wouldn’t go”

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I’m smart. Not like people say!

Mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio), the notoriously mentally-challenged mayor of New York City has upped the war on food.

“Chick-fil-A is anti-LGBT” said Mayor Wilhelm, who continues to defy expectations by walking upright.

This group imparts a strong anti-LGBT message by forcing their employees and volunteers to adhere to a policy that prohibits same-sex love. As a man who is married to a lesbian I am very pro same-sex love. Very pro same-sex love. I like to watch my lesbian wife with other woman. It is outrageous that Chick-fil-A continues to spread its message of hate. And their message of hate is that only traditional male-female marriage is okay. That is not a New York City value!

Mayor Wilhelm’s handlers, conscious of the fact that he had just strung together as many sentences as he is possible, gave him a gummy bear and whisked him away.

While the overwhelming majority of New Yorkers support the differentially-challenged mayor’s war on morally-impure food some feel that the mayor should be supporting businesses and not boycotting them.

“If the mayor is boycotting chicken can hot dogs be far behind” said the head of Coney Island’s July 4th  hot dog eating contest. “I mean he should be supporting business in New York.”

Despite this Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. vows never to patronize the chain.

“I will not go/I will not show/Chick-fil-A/Hey hey hey/no way!” said the mayor before being put to bed by his handlers.

“The mayor is very proud of his Dr. Seuss-like prose ability” said his chief of staff.

For a person of his mental abilities, or should I say non-mental abilities to be able to rhyme and, in many cases, feed himself and be potty-trained is emotional. It’s a testament to what an activist government with a well-funded social safety net can improve the lives of the differentially-abled.  I understand the Republicans want to destroy our safety net. We can’t allow them to do this.

With the war against Chick-fil-A in full swing, many other restaurant chains in Manhattan are starting to tow the line.

“We tell all our employees to have same-sex marriage before their shift” said a McDonald’s franchise owner.

McDonald’s is conscious of the fact that if we run afoul of the government we will not be able to stay in business. So we are proud to say that all our hamburgers are now pro-gay. 

Riding high a crest of gay food publicity Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. then announced that debt is racist.

“Brothers and sisters” said Mayor Wilhelm Jr. as he addressed the National Action Network in Harlem, “do you think the United States government turned its back on Puerto Rico because they’re people of color?”

With that the slow, slack-jawed mayor married to a lesbian soiled his pants and began crying.

“Sometimes being around adults overstimulates him” said his doctor. “So we put him in his PJs and gave him a chocolate bar. He’s sleeping now.”

(12)

My subjects love me and for that I have let them live

January 19, 2025, Washington DC.

Tomorrow President Hillary Clinton will hand off the office to her hand-picked successor: her husband Bill.  As a loyal member of the MSM it is my duty to remind my readers how great she has been for our country.  As such I want to give you what I feel are some of the highlights of her tenure in office.

• March 8, 2017

President Clinton follows up on a campaign promise by issuing an executive order closing all coal mines in America. This compassionate measure saves the lives of many coal miners who no longer have to labor underground.  Sadly thousands of penniless former coal miners die over the next few years of starvation. But this is not President Clinton’s fault. The miners should have adjusted and taken jobs in I.T.

• Late 2017 – Early 2018

This period is known by Clinton scholars as the “Dropping the ‘G” movement.” Faithful Americans, noticing that Hillary never ends a verb with the letter “G” when talking to black people, as in “That’s what we’re talkin’ about!” begin to stop using the letter G. Race relations immediately improve. White Americans thank their president for healing fractured race relations. Secretary of State Al Sharpton tells reporters, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Resist we much!”

• September 2018

With midterm elections in doubt President Clinton abolishes the border between the U.S. and Mexico and declares that “All Mexicans are henceforth American citizens.” Buoyed by the Hispanic vote, Democrats win back both houses of Congress.

• May 2020

President Clinton cancels the 2020 presidential election, deeming it dangerous and liable to raise tensions. “Our country is not worth these four year partisan elections.” Grateful Americans petition Congress to give her the Medal of Freedom.

• November 2021

President Clinton signs historic “Treaty of Friendship” with Vladimir Putin. While some object Clinton, in a televised address to the nation, informs America that by signing this agreement Putin has agreed to remove his warships from New York harbor.

• September 2022

In her last public appearance a frail President Clinton tells Americans not to worry about her health. She then enters an undisclosed hospital in the DC area. Millions of schoolchildren around the United States spontaneously sing paeans to their leader.

• January 2024

Having not been seen in public in over a year rumors started by Republicans imply that she is dead. Clinton goes on television from her hospital bed

President Hillary Clinton

and asks her “dear subjects” not to believe the Republicans. “I am just fine” she tells the nation and says her altered appearance is merely the result of side-effects from medication.

• June 2025

Saying that it is time for a new world order, President Clinton

Humanity’s children have returned

declares that humanity’s time is up.  “Your children have come home.”

And so dear readers as Hillary prepares for her long-deserved retirement we wish her well and thank her for years of service to our country.

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The burst of energy associated with the resurrection could lead to global warming

The Environmental Protection Agency announced today that it has banned the Resurrection.

“Most scientists believe that the resurrection was accomplished with a bright burst of light and energy” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

My purview is the environment, not science but from what I’ve been told this “burst of energy and bright light” is equivalent to a 100 watt light bulb. Now we all know the damage 100 watt light bulbs cause. Rising sea levels, climate change and the destruction of our way of life. So given the power invested in me by the Constitution, okay, the Congress I hereby ban anyone from resurrecting. Anyone who does resurrect will be subject to a fine of not less than $1000 and not more than $20,000. I do this without pleasure. But I do it out of a sense of duty and to protect our world for future generations.

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops promised to work with the EPA to ensure a just future.

“This is a matter of social justice” said the USCCB’s president, the Most Reverend Joseph E. Kurtz.

Our Holy Father has asked us to be merciful. And what is more merciful than protecting our planet from the scourge of climate change. As for the resurrection, there are some truths that are divinely revealed and necessary and other that aren’t. The resurrection isn’t necessary and it detracts from Jesus’ core message of establishing a socialist workers paradise on Earth. Yesterday was the feast of St. Joseph the Worker so what can be more appropriate than immanentizing the eschaton. 

President Obama thanked McCarthy and hailed the banning as an example of the good that an activist government can do.

My Republican opponents are always saying that we should fear a powerful central government. Do not listen to them. What the EPA has just done is an example of the compassion and mercy that an activist government can provide. And I don’t have to tell you Catholics that Pope Francis wants us to be merciful. Or would Catholics rather follow Republicans than their Pope?

McCarthy then went on to stress that she is not per se opposed to the resurrection.

In principle it’s a beautiful thing. And if Jesus had resurrected himself with perhaps something other than the force of a 100 watt incandescent bulb I would support it. Perhaps if one day science can prove that the energy from the resurrection event is made by the equivalent of a CFL bulb we will lift this ban. It’s all about greenhouse gas emissions.

From his office in Heaven God released a statement calling the banning “idiotic.”

“I knew I should have voted for Romney in 2012. Last time I waste my vote on a third party candidate.”

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You shall not take money out of your own bank account ~ U.S. Constitution, article 1, section 8 clause 18

Note on today’s post:

Yes, I realize Hastert was trying to pay off a boy he sexually abused who was blackmailing him. But sex with a minor is not what the Government charged him with. It is not what the government convicted him of and it is not what the government sentenced him to jail for. He was charged, convicted and sentenced to jail for, in effect, taking money out of his own bank account.  And we still think we are a free people who have nothing to fear from our Government. Enjoy your chains America. They seem to weigh lightly upon us.

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has been found guilty of taking money out of his bank account and was sentenced to fifteen months in prison.

“This is a great day for law and order, the State and the Party” said reigning Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

If this Republic is to survive we cannot allow our citizens to flagrantly break the law like Hastert did. How stupid does he think the Government, the State and the Party are?  When he started taking money out of his bank account in amounts less than 10,000 our system sprang into action and arrested him. Now he is behind jail where he belongs. Let him be an example to all Republicans, I mean all citizens, who try to avoid the long arm of the law by taking money out of their own bank account. I mean, I’m no expert on the law but this sort of thing should be illegal! And hopefully soon it will be. Again, I’m no expert on the law but I do know that when a citizen of our great free land takes amounts over 10,000 out of his bank account it is the government’s duty to investigate. I know what the teabaggers are saying.  “What business is it of the government how much money I take out of my bank account?” What business is it of the government? The government exists to regulate the people. It’s in the Constitution.  I think. Again, like the law, I’m no expert on the Constitution.

When the verdict was read, Judge Thomas M. Durkin of the Northern District of Illinois could not hold back his anger.

“You sir are beneath contempt” the visibly emotional Durkin told Hastert.

Do you think you can just do what you want with your money? This is America, sir. Your money belongs to the government. We need it to redistribute it to others less fortunate than you. Did you think you were being smart taking out your money under the 10,000 dollar reporting threshold? No sir, you weren’t. If only you had been a Democrat we could have shown mercy. But you aren’t. I hope you spend every day of your 15 months in jail pondering your crime. Ponder it and remember the government expect loyalty from its citizens. Loyalty to its financial needs. Loyalty to the laws of the state. Admittedly I’m no expert on the law, and even though what you did technically is not a crime, it should be illegal.

A clearly broken Hastert then begged forgiveness.

I now realize I was disobedient to the will of the Government. I beg forgiveness for everyone I have harmed by my financial transactions.

With that Hastert was led away to begin serving his prison term.

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