What we do is ethical, responsible and consensual

Mickey and Minnie Mouse shocked their fans today by announcing that they are in an “Open, yet committed relationship.”

“This totally came out of left field” said their friend Donald Duck.

They always seemed so happy together. I never would have suspected anything like this. I guess I should have known.  Minnie would drop hints about Mickey’s insatiable sexual appetite and how she just needed a break. Frankly her comments made me uncomfortable. I don’t need to know about anyone’s sexual appetite. Unless it’s mine of course.

“I guess times have changed” declared Goofy.

When I was hired by Disney we had sign a personal conduct form stating that we would not engage in any behavior that would embarrass NBC. I mean I was suspended a month for running naked down Hollywood Boulevard while screaming “Look at my penis!”  I blame the meth. I was doing a lot of meth at the time. Lots of it. Thank God Walt never found out about my meth use or I would have been suspended for two months. And that was the worst punishment ever. He never suspended anyone for two months. Well, except for Jews of course.

“Yeah I have no comment on this” said Pluto.

No comment whatsoever. Hey, what two people do in the privacy of their own bedroom is no ones business. But if they should stream it so I can watch that’s good too. Because I’m Pluto dammit. And sex is my only joy. Well that and the millions I’ve made so far.

Countering criticism of their lifestyle arrangement Mickey and Minnie insist they have nothing to be ashamed of.

“Our arrangement is consensual, ethical and responsible” according to Minnie.

Mickey is my soul mate. We are very compatible. Often we are up all night talking to each other. It’s just that Mickey has, how shall I put this, outside sexual interests. And I’m okay with it. Really I am. Jealousy is so bourgeois. Besides the more sex he has the happier he is. The happier he is the more stuff he buys me. And it gives me a break. I mean I’m not that young anymore. Sometimes intercourse is just painful. I blame my dry vagina. And I’m a lesbian.

Mickey himself doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Minnie is my rock. Always has been. Always will be. But she doesn’t like to do certain things that I like to do. Our sex life was uninspired. She was hesitant when we made love. It’s almost like she didn’t enjoy sex with men. But now that we have this understanding our relationship is stronger. And I get to do things she would never allow me to do, like Irish perms. What?  Don’t know what an Irish perm is?  Look it up. Hey, does anyone know any glory holes in the area?

Bob Iger, Chairman of the Board of the Walt Disney Corporation says that Mickey and Minnie will always be welcome at Disney and no punishment is planned.

“This is the 21st Century. What two people do in their bedroom is no one else’s business. Now as to what bathroom they use, that’s the government’s business.”

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