My Exclusive Interview With the Mummy

You Americans are so racist

You Americans are so racist

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing an ancient Egyptian mummy who calls himself Imhotep who swears he is not Boris Karloff.

MI: Good afternoon, um, mummy?

NBK: You may address me as Imhotep.  I am an ancient Egyptian priest who was revived by foolish archeologists.

MI: Really? Because you look a lot like Boris Karloff. 

I am not Boris Karloff!

I am not Boris Karloff!

NBK:  I am NOT Boris Karloff. Though I am a big fan of that talented actor. He truly was a genius and is sadly under-appreciated by people today.

MI:  Right. So tell me about yourself. We all know your story. Ancient Egyptian priest buried alive, reincarnated 3000 years later and walking the Earth. But my readers would like to know more. What was it like to be buried alive?

NBK: All in all only slightly more fun than a weekend in Philadelphia.

MI: Philadelphia? How would you know?  Are you sure you aren’t Boris Karloff?

NBK: [Pause] No. But if I were Boris Karloff I would be extremely flattered that a young person such as yourself remembers me.

MI: Are you a fan of Boris Karloff?

NBK: Yes.  Just look at his body of work. He was the template for all the Frankensteins that followed.  I still get chills watching his nuanced performance. Glenn Strange? Not a good Frankenstein. Bela Lugosi? Couldn’t hold a candle to Boris Karloff. And who can forget his narration in the Grinch That Stole Christmas? God he was talented. Pure talent.

MI: Right. Mr. not Boris Karloff.  So tell me how did you pass the time in the 3000 years between being buried alive and being brought back to life?

NBK: I watched Boris Karloff movies.

MI: What?

NBK: You were expecting another answer?  Something eastern and mystical? You Americans are so racist. Do you think just because I’m Egyptian I’m mystical and mysterious? No sir.  We 3000 year-old Egyptian mummies are just like you. We like to watch Netflix, mostly for their great treasure house of Boris Karloff movies, whistle at pretty girls and drink a lot of tea.

MI: Okay, wait a minute – 

NBK: You know Boris Karloff was a very good looking man.

A good looking man

A good looking man

Dignified, a snappy dresser. Just a perfect gentleman. No wonder women were crazy for him.

MI: Okay let’s just stop it right now. You ARE Boris Karloff, aren’t you?

NBK: No.

MI: Really?

NBK: Okay.  Yes I am.  Would you like an autograph?

MI: Not really but could you get me Bela Lugosi’s autograph?  He was fantastic as Dracula.

NBK:  F*ck off!

MI: What?

NBK: Lugosi?  You f*cking c*cksucker! He’s a piece of shit. A drug addict with no talent.

MI: Well I better be going.

NBK: Are you honestly telling me you’d rather watch a Bela Lugosi film than one of mine?

MI: He had a good body of work.

NBK: F*ck you!  F*ck you! F*ck you!

MI: Right. Bye.

Dignified my ass. And now I’d like to leave you with a clip of Bela Lugosi in his finest work.


2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Actors, you wanna talk about actors? Marty Feldman does it for me.

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