We have no idea what we are doing

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration, stung by recent criticism that it can’t even put an astronaut into space, announced today that it has hired a cow to jump over the moon.

“This will bring us into the 21st century” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden.

We have heard the criticism that we are a useless agency whose better days are behind them. Sure we can no longer put a man into space. But putting people into space requires space stuff. And NASA has no space stuff. I don’t know what we did with it. We used to have space stuff. Maybe I’ll place an ad in Craigslist. If I can advertise for a woman to wear a French maid outfit and clean my place while I take photos I should be able to find space stuff.  Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Cows.

Having heard that cows can jump over the moon and seeking to save money, Bolden announced that a cow has been hired by NASA and will be launched into space.

If all goes well he will reach the moon in three days and then he will jump over the moon. When he does this he will prove that NASA is at the top of its game and ready to compete with the Chinese, the Russians and every other country who can put people into space. The other countries. They have space stuff. I wish America knew how to put people into space. Perhaps there is a manual lying around somewhere.

Operation “Cow Jump” is scheduled for this October. The first stage of the operation consists of extensive training over the course of the next five months for the cow.

There are practical issues to be dealt with. Finding a space suit that will fit the cow for one. I think a space suit will be necessary. I might have to ask Russia or India if they could send us one. Space stuff you see. I think we sold it all. But don’t quote me. I’ve never seen any space stuff here at NASA. But we do have a nice cafeteria. We have pizza on Wednesdays. Sometimes I arrange the pepperoni on the slices to look like space stuff.

In stage two of Operation Cow Jump the Cow will be shot into space (hopefully with Russian and/or Chinese assistance).  A three-stage rocket (hopefully provided by either the Russians or the Chinese) will be strapped to the back of the Cow to provide the needed thrust to reach the moon. In the final stage the cow will jump over the moon while shouting “Allah Akbar.“

It’s important that we improve the self-esteem of Muslims. It’s NASA’s core mission. Besides space. But we need space stuff for that. But once the cow says Allah Akbar the Muslims will realize that America is not the enemy and that we are an Islamic peoples. An Islamic peoples without space stuff. I just hope the cow can speak English.

Bolden closed his press conference by asking if anyone was fluent in cow.

“We can pay. As long as speaking cow isn’t classified as space stuff.”

(43)