My subjects love me and for that I have let them live

January 19, 2025, Washington DC.

Tomorrow President Hillary Clinton will hand off the office to her hand-picked successor: her husband Bill.  As a loyal member of the MSM it is my duty to remind my readers how great she has been for our country.  As such I want to give you what I feel are some of the highlights of her tenure in office.

• March 8, 2017

President Clinton follows up on a campaign promise by issuing an executive order closing all coal mines in America. This compassionate measure saves the lives of many coal miners who no longer have to labor underground.  Sadly thousands of penniless former coal miners die over the next few years of starvation. But this is not President Clinton’s fault. The miners should have adjusted and taken jobs in I.T.

• Late 2017 – Early 2018

This period is known by Clinton scholars as the “Dropping the ‘G” movement.” Faithful Americans, noticing that Hillary never ends a verb with the letter “G” when talking to black people, as in “That’s what we’re talkin’ about!” begin to stop using the letter G. Race relations immediately improve. White Americans thank their president for healing fractured race relations. Secretary of State Al Sharpton tells reporters, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Resist we much!”

• September 2018

With midterm elections in doubt President Clinton abolishes the border between the U.S. and Mexico and declares that “All Mexicans are henceforth American citizens.” Buoyed by the Hispanic vote, Democrats win back both houses of Congress.

• May 2020

President Clinton cancels the 2020 presidential election, deeming it dangerous and liable to raise tensions. “Our country is not worth these four year partisan elections.” Grateful Americans petition Congress to give her the Medal of Freedom.

• November 2021

President Clinton signs historic “Treaty of Friendship” with Vladimir Putin. While some object Clinton, in a televised address to the nation, informs America that by signing this agreement Putin has agreed to remove his warships from New York harbor.

• September 2022

In her last public appearance a frail President Clinton tells Americans not to worry about her health. She then enters an undisclosed hospital in the DC area. Millions of schoolchildren around the United States spontaneously sing paeans to their leader.

• January 2024

Having not been seen in public in over a year rumors started by Republicans imply that she is dead. Clinton goes on television from her hospital bed

President Hillary Clinton

and asks her “dear subjects” not to believe the Republicans. “I am just fine” she tells the nation and says her altered appearance is merely the result of side-effects from medication.

• June 2025

Saying that it is time for a new world order, President Clinton

Humanity’s children have returned

declares that humanity’s time is up.  “Your children have come home.”

And so dear readers as Hillary prepares for her long-deserved retirement we wish her well and thank her for years of service to our country.

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