The burst of energy associated with the resurrection could lead to global warming

The Environmental Protection Agency announced today that it has banned the Resurrection.

“Most scientists believe that the resurrection was accomplished with a bright burst of light and energy” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

My purview is the environment, not science but from what I’ve been told this “burst of energy and bright light” is equivalent to a 100 watt light bulb. Now we all know the damage 100 watt light bulbs cause. Rising sea levels, climate change and the destruction of our way of life. So given the power invested in me by the Constitution, okay, the Congress I hereby ban anyone from resurrecting. Anyone who does resurrect will be subject to a fine of not less than $1000 and not more than $20,000. I do this without pleasure. But I do it out of a sense of duty and to protect our world for future generations.

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops promised to work with the EPA to ensure a just future.

“This is a matter of social justice” said the USCCB’s president, the Most Reverend Joseph E. Kurtz.

Our Holy Father has asked us to be merciful. And what is more merciful than protecting our planet from the scourge of climate change. As for the resurrection, there are some truths that are divinely revealed and necessary and other that aren’t. The resurrection isn’t necessary and it detracts from Jesus’ core message of establishing a socialist workers paradise on Earth. Yesterday was the feast of St. Joseph the Worker so what can be more appropriate than immanentizing the eschaton. 

President Obama thanked McCarthy and hailed the banning as an example of the good that an activist government can do.

My Republican opponents are always saying that we should fear a powerful central government. Do not listen to them. What the EPA has just done is an example of the compassion and mercy that an activist government can provide. And I don’t have to tell you Catholics that Pope Francis wants us to be merciful. Or would Catholics rather follow Republicans than their Pope?

McCarthy then went on to stress that she is not per se opposed to the resurrection.

In principle it’s a beautiful thing. And if Jesus had resurrected himself with perhaps something other than the force of a 100 watt incandescent bulb I would support it. Perhaps if one day science can prove that the energy from the resurrection event is made by the equivalent of a CFL bulb we will lift this ban. It’s all about greenhouse gas emissions.

From his office in Heaven God released a statement calling the banning “idiotic.”

“I knew I should have voted for Romney in 2012. Last time I waste my vote on a third party candidate.”

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