King Kong: I Though New Yorkers Were Cool!

What the hell dude?

What the hell dude?

Recovering in a hospital room after falling off the Empire State Building, King Kong could only complain.

“You know I heard New Yorkers were nice to tourists” said the heavily bandaged Megaprimatus Kong.

I’m from an island in the south pacific so New York was a little scary at first. But I had one of those laminated folding maps and I was able to find my way around the city. At first everything was cool.  People gave me directions and left me alone. So I thought, “This is a nice city.” That all changed when I met this actress.

After meeting Ann Darrow in a bar things quickly took a turn for the worse for Kong.

I’ve always wanted to visit the Empire State Building. But when we get there they say I’m too large to fit in the elevator up to the observation deck. No problem I say. I’ll simply climb up the outside of the building. Ann wanted to come along.  Who can blame her?  It beats being in an elevator with a bunch of strangers while your ears pop. But apparently somebody called the cops. When I get to the top of the building I find I’m being shot at. I had to put Ann down. I’m a gentleman you see and I didn’t want her to get hurt.

As planes fired at Kong, he grew increasingly exasperated.

I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Did I offend someone? Why are the New Yorkers suddenly against me? Was it racial? I’m black and Ann is white. Is that it? I guess it’s true that all Americans are racist.

Wounded by the planes Kong grew dizzy.

I knew I was going to pass out. So I checked on Ann one more time just to see if she was okay. She gave me the thumbs up, at least I think it was a thumbs up. I was in shock from the bullet wounds. I vaguely remember her giving me the middle finger and saying “Thanks for nothing asshole.” I may have hallucinated that. Anyway I fell. The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital was watching 5th avenue getting bigger and bigger. Then – splat! Right on top of a carriage horse. I’m never going to get the smell of horse poop off of me.

Taken to a hospital Kong found out that his problems were not over.

F*cking NYPD gave me a ticket for so-called parachuting off the Empire State Building without a license. I wasn’t parachuting. I was falling! Falling because I was shot.  So first I get shot. Then I fall off the building. And when I think the nightmare is over I get fined for not having health insurance. Shot. Fallen. Fined. I can’t even use the toilet because it’s low flush and I carry too much feces inside me for the toilet to handle.  Jeesh I thought America was the land of the free. Doesn’t sound to f*cking free to me.

Kong has vowed after he is released to never visit New York again.

“Next time I’ll try someplace friendlier, like ISIS territory. Goddammit I forgot to get Ann’s phone number before I fell! Does anyone have her number? She’s an actress.”


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    With the city in the throes of rampant miscegination New Yorkers no longer go ape shit over a black monkey dating a white actress. Something else Kong did must have pissed off the cops, like charging tourists to take pictures with him.

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