I pee therefore I am

Being something of an investigative reporter (it was yours truly who broke the story that Hillary Clinton was a robot) I was immediately drawn to the scandal in Rio involving our swimmers.

I am dedicated to the truth and only the truth in my investigative journalism. I have a ruthless and cold-blooded dedication to the facts. And pop tarts.

Unfortunately I didn’t have time to gather the facts so like my colleagues in the MSM I will speculate and make it up.

Here’s what I believe happened on the infamous night in question:

• Ryan Lochte and fellow swimmers. after a night of clubbing peoples of color to death with baseball bats decided to urinate in public.  However after urinating in public (something all white men do because that’s just the type of people they are) their blood lust and desire to destroy was not satiated. Dragging innocent Brazilians from passing cars the white swimmers placed the Brazilians of color upon racks and stretched their bodies out until ligaments and tendons snapped.
• But did this satisfy the white swimmers?  No.  They would let their victims pass out and then wake them by setting their feet on fire. (A common hobby of the white man.)
• They would then have their helpless victims call their loved ones. When the family arrived they would continue torturing them just for the pleasure of watching their family beg for mercy.
• After killing and eating the original hapless victims they grabbed the relatives, sodomized them and shot them in the back of the head.
• Sawing the scalps off they ate the brains.  (It is a belief of the white man that eating one’s enemies brains give you their strength.)
• Next, blood and brain matter dripping down their cheeks they headed off to the nearest army base to access tanks.
• Once the tanks were procured they drove through the slums of Rio, crushing houses, children and indeed entire families.
• Exiting their tanks they proceeded to use flame throwers to set on fire what they did not crush.
• As the innocent residents of Rio screamed and tried to survive the rampage Lockte could be heard laughing and exclaiming, “We are white. This is who we are!”

And just as quickly as it began it was over. The rampage of Lockte (the most destructive event since the siege of Staligrad) ended with the unrepentent swimmer taking a few underage girls back to his hotel room.

President Obama has called for a nation-wide dialogue on white privilege.

“White privilege will never end until we confront it head on” he told reporters while playing a round of golf.

Sometimes my dedication to the truth isn’t fun. But it’s my job.  Don’t believe me?  Here is security footage that I have on good authority shows Locte in the act of committing his rampage.

White people!  Is there any evil they are not responsible for?

(53)

My business model no longer is profitable

The Tooth Fairy announced today that effective immediately he will begin winding down business and will close his offices completely by October 1st.   After October 1st children are advised to “not lose their teeth.”

“Times change” said the Tooth Fairy in a released statement.

My business model was no longer profitable. I got into this as a temporary recycling gig.  Kids would lose a tooth, I’d give them five cents and then I’d take the tooth and sell the enamel at great profit to myself. Kids loved me because they got five cents, which was worth a lot back in the day. Parents loved me since they didn’t have to spend anything. It was a win-win for everybody. But that was a much simpler time.

Starting in the 1980s the Tooth Fairy started to lose business as kids were no longer leaving their teeth under their pillows.

Kids started to get a feeling of entitlement.  Their parents all had dental insurance so they usually just threw the tooth in the garbage and went to the dentist. Losing a tooth no longer was a special right of passage. Mommy and daddy would pay for a new one.

Children also began demanding more money for their teeth, cutting into the Tooth Fairy’s profit margin.

One time I was putting a nickel under a kid’s pillow and he woke up. I was expecting him to thank me. Instead he said, “What the f*ck it this?  A nickel? A f*cking nickel? I want a dollar or I’ll scream and tell my parents you were raping me.” I was so shocked I guess I didn’t give him his dollar fast enough so he screamed “Mom, dad! He’s hurting my anus!”  Then he pulled his jammies down, rolled over on his stomach and grabbed hand and placed it on his butt. The parents came running into the room and the father beat me unconscious with a baseball bat. When I awoke I was in a freshly dug grave and they were dumping dirt on me. “Nobody must know we killed him” the father kept saying. Luckily my wings still worked and I was able to fly away to safety.

The Tooth Fairy’s experience with that child was growing increasingly common.

Kids starting become such brats. Some were asking for playstations for their teeth. It got to the point where I didn’t even want the enamel anymore.  Kids would write to me saying “My tooth fell out and you never visited.”  I started writing back “Suck it up, bro. Life ain’t all shits and giggles.”

But the final straw in his business was when the enamel trade itself fell out of favor.

I’d have people picketing outside my office saying “Hey, ho, the enamel trade has got to go!”  Suddenly I was the bad guy! You’d think I was selling cigarettes or guns. Jeesh! So screw it. I’m shutting down before some social justice warrior shoots me.

As for his future plans the Tooth Fairy is studying to get his Linux certification.

“Red Hat server admins.  That’s where the money is nowadays.”

(85)

Lassie is gender fluid

Despite being one of the more popular shows on television, the producers of Lassie have decided to retool the format to provide a “more modern Lassie.”

“The first three years of the show focused on the Miller family and their farm” said a network executive.

While that sort of nuclear family environment might have played well in red state America we feel it is time to change the demographic that watches the show. Also, farming rapes the Earth and we are all environmentalists. This upcoming season we will downplay the family and the farm and explore issues such as global warming, racism and gender fluidity. We did a test and it’s what the audiences in New York and Los Angeles want to see.

In the first episode that was shown to reporters Lassie questions his sexuality after finding himself attracted to another male collie. Lassie then begins the process of self-discovery and decides to undergo canine gender reassignment surgery so he can live as the wife of his newfound male collie soulmate.

It’s going to be a season-long arc. Lassie will struggle with his feelings and experience shame as the Miller family condemns him. He will question himself and go to a dark place. Eventually he will realize that he’s always been a female collie trapped inside a male collie’s body. He will embrace his newfound gender identity and become a proud gender activist.

Despite the new, modern story line many are criticizing the producers for fundamentally transforming what is essentially a children’s TV show. The producers have responded to this by reminding viewers of their duty to social justice.

Television isn’t just entertainment. It informs culture. It is important that children be exposed at an early age to gender fluidity. If they aren’t they become gender rigid and binary. And being binary leads to global warming and voting Republican. Naturally we want to prevent this.

They also promise that following seasons will continue this modern trend.

After exploring gender fluidity in season four Lassie will become alarmed by global warming in season five. He will stop eating the processed dog food the Miller’s give him because it makes him expel gas. He will become a vegetarian and only eat natural, unprocessed greens. He will try to convince the cows to follow his lead. Those who don’t he will kill. Hey, fighting global warming sometimes requires moral sacrifices.

As for the actor playing Lassie he says he has no problem with the new direction of the show.

As an actor I like to challenge myself and this will allow me to use my method collie training. And as a dog I like to lick my balls. Often. I still have my balls. They used a stunt collie for the gender reassignment scenes. Yep. Still have my balls so if any female collies want to get their freak on with a Hollywood star drop by my trailer. I’ll let you lick my balls while I sniff your ass.

The new season of Lassie premieres in September on Sundays at 7 pm on the CBS network.

(22)

Chop it off!

Once every four years an exciting and fun-filled event happens. Manhattan Infidel has sex and/or moves his bowels watches the Summer Olympics.

Here are a few of my thoughts on the Olympics (coverage provided by the totally competent and non-biased leftist organization known as NBC.)

• The Rowing Through Medical Waste, Body Parts and Raw Sewage Event

This was an oddly fascinating event. Much like curling, which I thought would be boring, it drew me in until I could not turn my eyes away. I particularly liked when the British rowing team was overturned by a sofa floating in the bay. Turns out it was a limbless torso. Sadly the team became infected by the sewage, grew to 60 feet tall and became radioactive. They were hired by the Japanese to fight Godzilla.

• Soccer, Soccer and more Soccer!

About the only thing more exciting than soccer is watching comatose patients watch paint dry. Still, since the rest of the world loves this sport we have to sit through it. The best moment came when an Afghani soccer player blew himself up.  He was red-carded.

• Assault archery!

When the modern Olympics started in the 19th century its founders could never have conceived of assault archery. Thank god Bob Costas was there to lecture us on the violent nature of the event. I only pray that common sense archery control laws are passed.

• Scrotum Bungee Jumping

This was the first Olympics for the scrotum bungee jumpers and I must say the screams would make Yoko Ono proud. Kudos for NBC for the slow-motion replays of the actual moment when the scrotum rips away from the rest of the body.

• The Muslim Angle

NBC will wear down your resistance to Sharia law, comrade. Islam is the Religion of Peace™. It seems they spent more time talking about one Muslim woman from the U.S. than covering the actual events. I hear the 2020 Olympics will feature  a “throwing a gay man off the roof” event just so more Muslims (for Islam, the Religion of Peace™ is the fastest growing religion in the world,) will watch. You must to have strong upper body strength, steady hand and good aim to compete in this event.

• The Russian Women’s Team

Once again as they have in the previous eight Olympics they had the largest penises of any contending athletes. I mean damn ladies! Even though they didn’t win many golds they all signed reality TV contracts with Lifetime. Caitlyn Jenner will host.

• Which Gold Medal Winner Will Cut His Penis Off?

Speaking of Caitlyn, speculation was high in Rio concerning which athlete felt the most trapped inside their male body and will cut their penis off in 40 years. The favorite is Michael Phelps.  “He’s cupping” said Caitlyn.  “That’s how it started with me. After my first experience cupping I realized I wanted to be a woman. A woman with a penis. An old, ugly woman with a penis.”

And so readers, I hope you had as much fun as I did watching the Rio Games.

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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Rio’s world famous statue of Jesus has been mugged.

Don’t shoot. That’s all the cash I have.

I guess we know now why he had his hands in the air.

(35)

#Nativeamericanlivesmatter

Long a fixture throughout the southwest, Tonto will no longer be fighting crime and righting injustice with The Lone Ranger.

“I have come to realize that my people need me more than the white man does” said Tonto.

The past couple years with The Lone Ranger have been a process of self-awakening for me. While I originally was content to play the native American sidekick the more I read about my people’s oppression at the hands of people like the Lone Ranger the less I desired to help him perpetuate his patriarchal power structure. So I gave him my notice.  Fighting injustice?  Do you know how the so-called Lone Ranger gets his money? From a silver mine. A silver mine worked by low wage workers.

For his part the Lone Ranger tells of growing aloofness and distance from Tonto.

“I knew something was up. He had changed” he said.

Things started to go downhill one day when we were in a Motel 6 together and were watching Dances with Wolves on the TV. Tonto got very agitated. “My people white man oppress” he kept saying. In the morning when we were about to leave and I said “Let’s go fight crime!” he responded “F*ck you whitey.”  I was so shocked I nearly choked on my eggs benedict.

Following his split with the Lone Ranger Tonto ran a school for native Americans.

I tried to teach them about their past. How they used to roam freely the plains until the white oppressor pig came along. The European gave us booze and turned us into alcoholics. The European kicked us off our land and turned us into paupers. The European steal our lacrosse. 

Each morning Tonto’s school would begin with a “recantation of grievances” where his students are encouraged to stand up and give examples of their oppression and how the white man has ruined their lives.

In the afternoon his students study such topics as lesbian poetry and gender identity theory.

Tonto want my students to be non-binary. Binary is a European thing. Native Americans have a long history of fluidity and two-spiritness. Tonto want students to get in touch with inner oppressed sexually fluid native American.

While many praise Tonto for trying to self-actualize the native American community others doubt his motives.

“First off the guy’s real name is Harold Smith and he’s only 1/16 native American” said a boyhood companion.

I don’t know where he gets this Tonto crap from. The last time I spoke to him he mentioned something about a contract dispute with the Lone Ranger and that he was going to “bleed that asshole for every dime I can.” He’s also fluent in every Romance language so don’t buy his pidgin English routine either. I think the whole thing is a scam. I think he’s doing it for money and native American pussy. “Once you go red you never out of bed” he once told me.

Among those not convinced of Tonto’s bona fides is his former boss, the Lone Ranger himself.

He just wants a raise that’s all. I told him I wasn’t going to negotiate with him until his contract expires. That’s when he called me a slave driver and said he could get more money scamming the native Americans.

Regardless Tonto claims he won’t go back to his former lifestyle and will continue teaching “his people” about their oppression.

“The school is moderately priced for those men who can prove 100 percent native American ancestry. The squaws however can get in for free. Hey I should be paying them for all the pussy they are giving me.“

(34)

F*ck the FAA! I’m Superman dammit!

Superman, renowned superhero and defender of truth, justice and the American way, has been stripped of his ability to fly by the Federal Aviation Administration.

“Effective immediately the extra-terrestrial personage known colloquially as “Superman”  is banned from flying anywhere within the United States” said the FAA’s administrator Michael Huerta.

This is not a decision we took lightly. But after reviewing all the evidence we in good conscience cannot continue to allow Superman to fly. Among many reasons he could not provide us with evidence that he is licensed to fly. Anywhere. When pressed he would say that his flying abilities were the result of Earth’s lighter gravity field. A lighter gravity field is not, and has never been, considered as a valid license by us. Superman either has to take flying lessons and give us proof of this or he has to accept our decision and cease flying in the United States. If Europe wants to let him fly that’s their business.

The decision to ban Superman came after he collided with a flock of Canadian geese on a hazy August afternoon.

Huerta continues:

What’s more Superman is not as far as we can tell instrument rated and flies on visual flight rules. It is while flying under VFR that he collided with the geese, which exploded on impact, showering the town of Englewood, New Jersey with geese debris.  Superman himself, wounded by the collision had to make an emergency landing at Teterboro airport. While no one on the ground was seriously injured the accident could have been much worse. As such for the safety of all involved we cannot allow Superman to fly. 

Superman expressed astonishment at the FAA’s decision and vowed to fight on.

Do they all have their heads up their asses?  I mean I know it’s a bureaucracy but that’s no excuse. I’m not human. I have special powers. I use these special powers to fight evil. Sometimes I fly. It was bad enough when they said I couldn’t fly at night because I wasn’t instrument rated but to ban me entirely?  Are you joking? I have to take flying lessons? What am I supposed to do when my super hearing hears a crime being committed across town? Take a freaking cab? This has me so upset I’m not the man of steel anymore with Lois, if you know what I mean. And before you say Cialis I’m also taking nitrates for chest pain. I don’t want any unsafe drops in blood pressure when I’m fighting the bad guys. It just wouldn’t look good. I’m trying to get a sponsorship deal.

For now, until he is cleared to fly, Superman can be seen driving his pre-owned Ford Windstar from crime scene to crime scene.

“Who the f*ck is going to sponsor me while I’m driving this piece of shit?” he lamented.

(15)