Lassie is gender fluid

Despite being one of the more popular shows on television, the producers of Lassie have decided to retool the format to provide a “more modern Lassie.”

“The first three years of the show focused on the Miller family and their farm” said a network executive.

While that sort of nuclear family environment might have played well in red state America we feel it is time to change the demographic that watches the show. Also, farming rapes the Earth and we are all environmentalists. This upcoming season we will downplay the family and the farm and explore issues such as global warming, racism and gender fluidity. We did a test and it’s what the audiences in New York and Los Angeles want to see.

In the first episode that was shown to reporters Lassie questions his sexuality after finding himself attracted to another male collie. Lassie then begins the process of self-discovery and decides to undergo canine gender reassignment surgery so he can live as the wife of his newfound male collie soulmate.

It’s going to be a season-long arc. Lassie will struggle with his feelings and experience shame as the Miller family condemns him. He will question himself and go to a dark place. Eventually he will realize that he’s always been a female collie trapped inside a male collie’s body. He will embrace his newfound gender identity and become a proud gender activist.

Despite the new, modern story line many are criticizing the producers for fundamentally transforming what is essentially a children’s TV show. The producers have responded to this by reminding viewers of their duty to social justice.

Television isn’t just entertainment. It informs culture. It is important that children be exposed at an early age to gender fluidity. If they aren’t they become gender rigid and binary. And being binary leads to global warming and voting Republican. Naturally we want to prevent this.

They also promise that following seasons will continue this modern trend.

After exploring gender fluidity in season four Lassie will become alarmed by global warming in season five. He will stop eating the processed dog food the Miller’s give him because it makes him expel gas. He will become a vegetarian and only eat natural, unprocessed greens. He will try to convince the cows to follow his lead. Those who don’t he will kill. Hey, fighting global warming sometimes requires moral sacrifices.

As for the actor playing Lassie he says he has no problem with the new direction of the show.

As an actor I like to challenge myself and this will allow me to use my method collie training. And as a dog I like to lick my balls. Often. I still have my balls. They used a stunt collie for the gender reassignment scenes. Yep. Still have my balls so if any female collies want to get their freak on with a Hollywood star drop by my trailer. I’ll let you lick my balls while I sniff your ass.

The new season of Lassie premieres in September on Sundays at 7 pm on the CBS network.

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