Radicalized Tonto No Longer Lone Ranger’s Faithful Companion!



Long a fixture throughout the southwest, Tonto will no longer be fighting crime and righting injustice with The Lone Ranger.

“I have come to realize that my people need me more than the white man does” said Tonto.

The past couple years with The Lone Ranger have been a process of self-awakening for me. While I originally was content to play the native American sidekick the more I read about my people’s oppression at the hands of people like the Lone Ranger the less I desired to help him perpetuate his patriarchal power structure. So I gave him my notice.  Fighting injustice?  Do you know how the so-called Lone Ranger gets his money? From a silver mine. A silver mine worked by low wage workers.

For his part the Lone Ranger tells of growing aloofness and distance from Tonto.

“I knew something was up. He had changed” he said.

Things started to go downhill one day when we were in a Motel 6 together and were watching Dances with Wolves on the TV. Tonto got very agitated. “My people white man oppress” he kept saying. In the morning when we were about to leave and I said “Let’s go fight crime!” he responded “F*ck you whitey.”  I was so shocked I nearly choked on my eggs benedict.

Following his split with the Lone Ranger Tonto ran a school for native Americans.

I tried to teach them about their past. How they used to roam freely the plains until the white oppressor pig came along. The European gave us booze and turned us into alcoholics. The European kicked us off our land and turned us into paupers. The European steal our lacrosse. 

Each morning Tonto’s school would begin with a “recantation of grievances” where his students are encouraged to stand up and give examples of their oppression and how the white man has ruined their lives.

In the afternoon his students study such topics as lesbian poetry and gender identity theory.

Tonto want my students to be non-binary. Binary is a European thing. Native Americans have a long history of fluidity and two-spiritness. Tonto want students to get in touch with inner oppressed sexually fluid native American.

While many praise Tonto for trying to self-actualize the native American community others doubt his motives.

“First off the guy’s real name is Harold Smith and he’s only 1/16 native American” said a boyhood companion.

I don’t know where he gets this Tonto crap from. The last time I spoke to him he mentioned something about a contract dispute with the Lone Ranger and that he was going to “bleed that asshole for every dime I can.” He’s also fluent in every Romance language so don’t buy his pidgin English routine either. I think the whole thing is a scam. I think he’s doing it for money and native American pussy. “Once you go red you never out of bed” he once told me.

Among those not convinced of Tonto’s bona fides is his former boss, the Lone Ranger himself.

He just wants a raise that’s all. I told him I wasn’t going to negotiate with him until his contract expires. That’s when he called me a slave driver and said he could get more money scamming the native Americans.

Regardless Tonto claims he won’t go back to his former lifestyle and will continue teaching “his people” about their oppression.

“The school is moderately priced for those men who can prove 100 percent native American ancestry. The squaws however can get in for free. Hey I should be paying them for all the pussy they are giving me.


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