I pee therefore I am

Being something of an investigative reporter (it was yours truly who broke the story that Hillary Clinton was a robot) I was immediately drawn to the scandal in Rio involving our swimmers.

I am dedicated to the truth and only the truth in my investigative journalism. I have a ruthless and cold-blooded dedication to the facts. And pop tarts.

Unfortunately I didn’t have time to gather the facts so like my colleagues in the MSM I will speculate and make it up.

Here’s what I believe happened on the infamous night in question:

• Ryan Lochte and fellow swimmers. after a night of clubbing peoples of color to death with baseball bats decided to urinate in public.  However after urinating in public (something all white men do because that’s just the type of people they are) their blood lust and desire to destroy was not satiated. Dragging innocent Brazilians from passing cars the white swimmers placed the Brazilians of color upon racks and stretched their bodies out until ligaments and tendons snapped.
• But did this satisfy the white swimmers?  No.  They would let their victims pass out and then wake them by setting their feet on fire. (A common hobby of the white man.)
• They would then have their helpless victims call their loved ones. When the family arrived they would continue torturing them just for the pleasure of watching their family beg for mercy.
• After killing and eating the original hapless victims they grabbed the relatives, sodomized them and shot them in the back of the head.
• Sawing the scalps off they ate the brains.  (It is a belief of the white man that eating one’s enemies brains give you their strength.)
• Next, blood and brain matter dripping down their cheeks they headed off to the nearest army base to access tanks.
• Once the tanks were procured they drove through the slums of Rio, crushing houses, children and indeed entire families.
• Exiting their tanks they proceeded to use flame throwers to set on fire what they did not crush.
• As the innocent residents of Rio screamed and tried to survive the rampage Lockte could be heard laughing and exclaiming, “We are white. This is who we are!”

And just as quickly as it began it was over. The rampage of Lockte (the most destructive event since the siege of Staligrad) ended with the unrepentent swimmer taking a few underage girls back to his hotel room.

President Obama has called for a nation-wide dialogue on white privilege.

“White privilege will never end until we confront it head on” he told reporters while playing a round of golf.

Sometimes my dedication to the truth isn’t fun. But it’s my job.  Don’t believe me?  Here is security footage that I have on good authority shows Locte in the act of committing his rampage.

White people!  Is there any evil they are not responsible for?

(53)