F*ck the FAA! I’m Superman dammit!

Superman, renowned superhero and defender of truth, justice and the American way, has been stripped of his ability to fly by the Federal Aviation Administration.

“Effective immediately the extra-terrestrial personage known colloquially as “Superman”  is banned from flying anywhere within the United States” said the FAA’s administrator Michael Huerta.

This is not a decision we took lightly. But after reviewing all the evidence we in good conscience cannot continue to allow Superman to fly. Among many reasons he could not provide us with evidence that he is licensed to fly. Anywhere. When pressed he would say that his flying abilities were the result of Earth’s lighter gravity field. A lighter gravity field is not, and has never been, considered as a valid license by us. Superman either has to take flying lessons and give us proof of this or he has to accept our decision and cease flying in the United States. If Europe wants to let him fly that’s their business.

The decision to ban Superman came after he collided with a flock of Canadian geese on a hazy August afternoon.

Huerta continues:

What’s more Superman is not as far as we can tell instrument rated and flies on visual flight rules. It is while flying under VFR that he collided with the geese, which exploded on impact, showering the town of Englewood, New Jersey with geese debris.  Superman himself, wounded by the collision had to make an emergency landing at Teterboro airport. While no one on the ground was seriously injured the accident could have been much worse. As such for the safety of all involved we cannot allow Superman to fly. 

Superman expressed astonishment at the FAA’s decision and vowed to fight on.

Do they all have their heads up their asses?  I mean I know it’s a bureaucracy but that’s no excuse. I’m not human. I have special powers. I use these special powers to fight evil. Sometimes I fly. It was bad enough when they said I couldn’t fly at night because I wasn’t instrument rated but to ban me entirely?  Are you joking? I have to take flying lessons? What am I supposed to do when my super hearing hears a crime being committed across town? Take a freaking cab? This has me so upset I’m not the man of steel anymore with Lois, if you know what I mean. And before you say Cialis I’m also taking nitrates for chest pain. I don’t want any unsafe drops in blood pressure when I’m fighting the bad guys. It just wouldn’t look good. I’m trying to get a sponsorship deal.

For now, until he is cleared to fly, Superman can be seen driving his pre-owned Ford Windstar from crime scene to crime scene.

“Who the f*ck is going to sponsor me while I’m driving this piece of shit?” he lamented.

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