You got hostages? We got cash! Let’s do business

With just five months to go before he leaves office, President Obama announced one more signature initiative designed to fundamentally transform America: Cash for Hostages.

The following is the complete transcript of my interview with President Obama where we discussed his new program.

Q:What is Cash for Hostages?

• Cash for hostages is exactly what it says it is. Anytime a hostage is taken, for whatever reason, anywhere in the world, the United States government will give the hostage takers cash in exchange for the hostages.

Q: Really? Anywhere in the world?  Since the money will be drawn from the U.S. treasury shouldn’t it go only to hostages taken in the United States?

• Obviously you are a Republican and I take pity on your inbred stupidity. Under the Constitution the President has the power to spend money any way he sees fit. He doe not have to answer to a higher authority. Need I remind you I taught Constitutional law. I know what I’m talking about.

Q:  So anytime a hostage is taken the U.S. will give cash?  What if a European of middle eastern origin takes hostages in a Catholic church for an unknown reason?

• Hostage taking is caused by poverty. Poverty is cruel. This middle eastern man probably took the hostages because he is tired of being marginalized. Tired of living on the outskirts. Tired of living in poverty the French force him to live in. Really there could be any reason he took the hostages, excepting because he is Muslim and wants to kill Christians.  By giving him money, lots of money. millions in fact, we are ensuring he will have no need to take hostages again.

Q: But aren’t  you concerned that he might take this cash to fund ISIS?  Build bombs? Create more terror?

• I grew up in Indonesia. The call to prayer is the most beautiful sound in the world. Islam is a religion of peace. As I’ve said before, and if you were listening you would have heard me, hostage taking is caused by poverty. Nothing else.

Q: But ISIS  states – 

• Poverty. Nothing else.

Q:  ISIS states that all infidels must die.

• Your questions weary me.  Move on.

Q:  Okay, let’s use this example. Say a mentally ill man has taken schoolchildren hostage and plans to shoot them.  Will he be given money.

• No. But this is an exception. This case involves assault guns and gun violence resulting from America’s lax gun control laws. If given money the hostage taker would use it to buy more guns. Instead, he will be shot.

Q:  But isn’t shooting him an example of gun violence?

• Not if the violence is perpetrated by the government.  But we are getting off message. Let’s get back to cash for hostages.

Q:  Okay. What exactly constitutes a hostage situation?

• Simply put a hostage situation is any time a person is held against their will for any reason whatsoever.

Q:  Would inmates in correctional facilities be considered hostages?

• Yes. That is why my administration will be pardoning everyone and releasing all inmates in all prisons throughout the United States.

Q:  Don’t you think that might cause an increase in violence?

• Violence is caused by poverty.These newly-freed inmates can take hostages and I will give them cash. Then they no longer will be poor and violence will end.

Q:  Well, if you put it that way it makes sense.

• I am, if I may say so myself, the greatest intellect I have ever come across.

Q:  I thank you for your time. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to point a gun at  you and take you hostage.

• Would you like 400 million?

Q:  Why yes.  Yes I would.  

• I shall have a check drawn up –

Q:  Cash only. I don’t want your U.S. check bouncing on me.

• Very well. Cash it is.  See how this program works?

Q:  I feel fundamentally transformed.

You know, I like this program. I feel we should give it a chance.

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