Chop it off!

Once every four years an exciting and fun-filled event happens. Manhattan Infidel has sex and/or moves his bowels watches the Summer Olympics.

Here are a few of my thoughts on the Olympics (coverage provided by the totally competent and non-biased leftist organization known as NBC.)

• The Rowing Through Medical Waste, Body Parts and Raw Sewage Event

This was an oddly fascinating event. Much like curling, which I thought would be boring, it drew me in until I could not turn my eyes away. I particularly liked when the British rowing team was overturned by a sofa floating in the bay. Turns out it was a limbless torso. Sadly the team became infected by the sewage, grew to 60 feet tall and became radioactive. They were hired by the Japanese to fight Godzilla.

• Soccer, Soccer and more Soccer!

About the only thing more exciting than soccer is watching comatose patients watch paint dry. Still, since the rest of the world loves this sport we have to sit through it. The best moment came when an Afghani soccer player blew himself up.  He was red-carded.

• Assault archery!

When the modern Olympics started in the 19th century its founders could never have conceived of assault archery. Thank god Bob Costas was there to lecture us on the violent nature of the event. I only pray that common sense archery control laws are passed.

• Scrotum Bungee Jumping

This was the first Olympics for the scrotum bungee jumpers and I must say the screams would make Yoko Ono proud. Kudos for NBC for the slow-motion replays of the actual moment when the scrotum rips away from the rest of the body.

• The Muslim Angle

NBC will wear down your resistance to Sharia law, comrade. Islam is the Religion of Peace™. It seems they spent more time talking about one Muslim woman from the U.S. than covering the actual events. I hear the 2020 Olympics will feature  a “throwing a gay man off the roof” event just so more Muslims (for Islam, the Religion of Peace™ is the fastest growing religion in the world,) will watch. You must to have strong upper body strength, steady hand and good aim to compete in this event.

• The Russian Women’s Team

Once again as they have in the previous eight Olympics they had the largest penises of any contending athletes. I mean damn ladies! Even though they didn’t win many golds they all signed reality TV contracts with Lifetime. Caitlyn Jenner will host.

• Which Gold Medal Winner Will Cut His Penis Off?

Speaking of Caitlyn, speculation was high in Rio concerning which athlete felt the most trapped inside their male body and will cut their penis off in 40 years. The favorite is Michael Phelps.  “He’s cupping” said Caitlyn.  “That’s how it started with me. After my first experience cupping I realized I wanted to be a woman. A woman with a penis. An old, ugly woman with a penis.”

And so readers, I hope you had as much fun as I did watching the Rio Games.

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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Rio’s world famous statue of Jesus has been mugged.

Don’t shoot. That’s all the cash I have.

I guess we know now why he had his hands in the air.

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