My business model no longer is profitable

The Tooth Fairy announced today that effective immediately he will begin winding down business and will close his offices completely by October 1st.   After October 1st children are advised to “not lose their teeth.”

“Times change” said the Tooth Fairy in a released statement.

My business model was no longer profitable. I got into this as a temporary recycling gig.  Kids would lose a tooth, I’d give them five cents and then I’d take the tooth and sell the enamel at great profit to myself. Kids loved me because they got five cents, which was worth a lot back in the day. Parents loved me since they didn’t have to spend anything. It was a win-win for everybody. But that was a much simpler time.

Starting in the 1980s the Tooth Fairy started to lose business as kids were no longer leaving their teeth under their pillows.

Kids started to get a feeling of entitlement.  Their parents all had dental insurance so they usually just threw the tooth in the garbage and went to the dentist. Losing a tooth no longer was a special right of passage. Mommy and daddy would pay for a new one.

Children also began demanding more money for their teeth, cutting into the Tooth Fairy’s profit margin.

One time I was putting a nickel under a kid’s pillow and he woke up. I was expecting him to thank me. Instead he said, “What the f*ck it this?  A nickel? A f*cking nickel? I want a dollar or I’ll scream and tell my parents you were raping me.” I was so shocked I guess I didn’t give him his dollar fast enough so he screamed “Mom, dad! He’s hurting my anus!”  Then he pulled his jammies down, rolled over on his stomach and grabbed hand and placed it on his butt. The parents came running into the room and the father beat me unconscious with a baseball bat. When I awoke I was in a freshly dug grave and they were dumping dirt on me. “Nobody must know we killed him” the father kept saying. Luckily my wings still worked and I was able to fly away to safety.

The Tooth Fairy’s experience with that child was growing increasingly common.

Kids starting become such brats. Some were asking for playstations for their teeth. It got to the point where I didn’t even want the enamel anymore.  Kids would write to me saying “My tooth fell out and you never visited.”  I started writing back “Suck it up, bro. Life ain’t all shits and giggles.”

But the final straw in his business was when the enamel trade itself fell out of favor.

I’d have people picketing outside my office saying “Hey, ho, the enamel trade has got to go!”  Suddenly I was the bad guy! You’d think I was selling cigarettes or guns. Jeesh! So screw it. I’m shutting down before some social justice warrior shoots me.

As for his future plans the Tooth Fairy is studying to get his Linux certification.

“Red Hat server admins.  That’s where the money is nowadays.”

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