Upset by Olympic Loss, Hope Solo Goes On Rampage!

Burn, baby, burn!

Burn, baby, burn!

After losing in Rio and calling the Swedes “a bunch of cowards” a clearly upset Hope Solo vowed to “burn the motherf*king world to the ground.”

Immediately after losing in the quarterfinals Solo told a reporter that the “best team did not win today.”  She then grabbed the reporter and bit into his neck, severing his jugular.

“I’m Hope Solo motherf*cker!” she taunted the reporter as he bled to death.

After killing the reporter Solo then traveled to the slums of Rio and offered her services to one of the drug gangs.

“This Hope Solo, she’s violent” said a gang leader.

She said she was willing to kill and to prove it she tore my assistant in half. Literally right down the middle. Then she smacked me in the face with his torso and said “Let me kill your enemies!”  I was so afraid I granted her wish. Look I may be a violent drug lord but this woman scares me.

After greatly reducing drug violence in Rio by killing all the gang members with her bare hands, Solo then waded into the polluted bay.

“You’re all a bunch of pussies” she taunted people as she drank the polluted water.

I’m Hope Solo and I’m no coward.  I have raw sewage in my mouth and I feel fine. You tell that to the motherf*cking Swede bastards!  I’m Hope Solo! Destroyer of worlds!

After ingesting the polluted waters, Solo began a drastic physical change, growing to 30 feet in height, losing her hair and growing an eye on both her shoulders.

“Naturally this necessitated a change in tactics” said the head of Brazil’s military.

We’re quite used to violent soccer thugs. Just not ones that are 30 feet tall. We were able to disarm her with wine. She drank 40 bottles, which I assume is normal for a 30 foot woman, before she passed out. After she passed out we tied her to a truck and gave her to the Americans, who flew her back to the states in a B-52.

Once back in the states Solo caused more damage.

“She destroyed the Air Force base and ate all the officers” said a military policeman.

Hope then moved on to a local elementary school, ripping the roof off and grabbing a six year old boy.

“Have your testicles descended yet” she asked the frightened child.

When the boy started crying Solo grabbed his scrotal sack and pulled.

“We heard a ripping, tearing noise” said an eyewitness.

It’s the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard. It was like a burlap sack being torn. All the while the poor boy was screaming. Screaming in agony. He eventually passed out.

Solo then disappeared into the mountains outside Seattle but not before shouting that she was “going to f*ck Bigfoot and show him who’s boss!”

As for the child who had his testicles forcibly descended, he claims to hold no grudge against Solo.

“Look I’m years ahead of the other boys in kindergarten now. You could say my descended testicles bring all the girls to the yard.”


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