George Bush don’t care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the more controversial entertainment figures of our day. None other than Kanye West himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. West.

KW: I am God’s vessel.

MI: Um.

KW: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.

MI:  Technically that’s not true. You can record a performance and watch it later.

KW: I meant live.  Are you stupid. That’s why I am going to clone myself. So I can watch myself.

MI: Clone yourself.  Is that safe?

KW: I don’t care about your doubts. This dark diction has become America’s addiction.

MI: I have no idea what that means.

KW:  Me neither. But it rhymes. But like I was saying, I am such a gift to the world. It’s a shame I can’t watch myself. That’s why I’m going to clone myself so I can watch myself.

MI: Makes about as much sense as anything you’ve said.

KW: How dare you think that. Shut the f*ck up.  I will f*cking laser you with alien f*cking eyes and explode your f*cking head.

MI: Well I wouldn’t want that to happen.

KW: I have a nuclear power. I am a superhero. I’m like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on. That’s why I’m cloning myself. So I can watch the great gift that is me doing everything.

MI: Everything.

KW: That’s right. I masturbate. I’m God’s gift to masturbation. I want to watch that. And if I clone myself I can.

MI: Um.

KW: Would you like to watch me masturbate?

MI: No.

KW: That’s right. You couldn’t handle it. I have angels on my side. The sight of me masturbating would blind your tiny essence.

MI: I’ll take your word.

KW: Can I watch you masturbate?

MI: What?

KW: I on the other hand can watch you masturbate without blinding my essence because you are a lower order of being.

MI: I am not going to masturbate for you.

KW: Do it!

MI: Look I am not doing it. And I frankly am very offending that you would even ask me. [pause] You’ll pay me, right?

KW:  Of course!  This is commerce!  How does a million dollars sound?

MI: Sounds good.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to take off his pants]

KW: Wait. Wait. Imma glad you are masturbating but Pee Wee Herman had the best masturbation ever.

MI: But I haven’t done the reverse self-inflicted rusty trombone yet!

KW: Imma out of here.

[Kanye West leaves]

MI: Wait. I’m still getting paid, right? I mean the last time I did this I was paid. It was in college for an independently-produced art film. The police have all the copies. 

And so ended my interview with Kanye West. I think it went well. Still, I feel drained. Drained and dirty. And I think I just blinded my essence.

(7)

A rich, privileged asshole

Filthy rich elitist asshole Bruce Springsteen has come forward to talk about his bouts with “crippling depression” and how he overcame it.

“I was lying in bed in one of the master bedrooms in one of my mansions” said the rich, privileged asshole.

I forget which mansion but it’s the one where one of the master bedrooms, I forget which one, overlooks my private harbor. I like having a private harbor. Peaceful. It really connects me with the common man. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. I was lying in bed looking out on my private harbor when it hit me: I had to get up at 9 am yesterday. And I got depressed. How do people live like that?  How does the working man get up at 9 am in one of his master bedrooms overlooking his private harbor and not get depressed? Depression is a sneaky thing you know.

The rich, privileged asshole then went on to relate how he overcame his bout of depression.

I decided I can do one of two things. I can sit in one of my master bedrooms, I forget which one but it was the one overlooking my private harbor, feeling sorry for myself or I can get out of bed, even though the hour was an ungodly 10:30 in the morning, and do something! And that’s what I did. I did something. I called my new chauffeur and had him drive me to my private airport so I could be flown on my private jet to my private island in the Bahamas. I like my new chauffeur. I had to fire my old one. He wanted a five percent raise. Employees. They want to nickel and dime you. Anyway my new chauffeur drove me to the airport where I was flown to my private island in the Bahamas. And that’s how I was cured of my debilitating depression. You see, being cured of depression is very easy. Just do what I do.  I recommend it. There is no excuse not to. If you don’t have a private island then I suggest you invest wisely and buy one. They are affordable. Mine only cost 25 million. But you can write it off. I told my chauffeur this but he just shook his head at me. I guess he’s too busy spending the money I pay him on beer or chicken wings. He’s not getting a raise. 

Indeed the debilitating depression suffered by this rich, privileged asshole is not uncommon in rich, privileged assholes.

“We call it ‘Rich, Privileged Asshole Syndrome’ “ said a psychiatrist.

This happens when a man who has everything, who is lucky and has hit the jackpot in life, who never has to worry about paying the rent or making a car payment, wakes up, usually around 11 am and says “My god, I am depressed.” We usually tell people like this that the only cure is to fly down to their private island in the Bahamas. We tell them this because we don’t want to lose our licenses by kicking the rich, privileged asshole in the balls.  

As for the rich, privileged asshole himself, now cured of his depression he plans on divorcing his wife.

I mean I love Patti. But she’s getting old and her private parts are drying up. And that could make me depressed again. But she doesn’t have to worry. According to our pre-nup she’ll always have a job with me. Probably as a chauffeur.

“But I’m not giving her a raise” said the rich, privileged asshole.  “Working people have to learn their place.”

(52)

Now free range and humane!

Soylent Green Ltd, makers of delicious and organic Soylent Green have announced that starting immediately all Soylent Green will be grown in “100 percent free-range conditions.”

“We have heard the protests of the animal rights activists” said Soylent Green Ltd’s CEO

It is true our Soylent Green has been grown in factories. Human coops actually. Kinda of like chicken coops but with people. And while we do not think that this affects the taste of our product many have protested and complained that our process, while legal, was inhumane. Because of this we are changing our growing process.  From now on all our Soylent Green will be raised free range. The dissidents, Republicans, Catholics and other undesirables such as the crippled or those with cerebral palsy in our factories will be removed from the coops and allowed to roam on the grass and feel the sun on their faces. The faces that will soon be eaten.

Animal rights activists hailed the decision as a major step forward in the humane treatment of humans chosen to be Soylent Green.

“We in the animal rights’ activist community are heartened by this decision” said a protester.

For years we have tried to raise the consciousness of our fellow humans about the plight of people in Soylent Green factories. We have, at great risk to ourselves, taken undercover footage of people packed 30-40 deep in human coops, sharing the same bathroom and WiFi signal. It’s cruel. Those about to be sacrificed so we can eat ought to have more rights than that. They should be happy and content. This will ensure that they are kosher.

Industry experts will be watching Soylent Green Ltd. closely to see how the change affects their bottom line.

“It’s nice to be socially conscious” said an industry expert.

But if the change to free range negatively impacts their bottom line then don’t expect other makers of food made from humans to change. The start up costs alone of a human farm where the future Soylent Green can wander free are prohibitive.

Despite the criticism Soylent Green Ltd. stands by its decision.

“It is the right decision to make and it makes us feel good about ourselves” declared the CEO.

As for the subjects who will become future Soylent Green, many expressed thanks.

“Sure, I’m still going to be chopped up and eaten” said one.

But having my own bathroom and WiFi is important. I felt so cooped up in those human coops. No  privacy whatsoever. And only one TV. That was a problem during football season. And don’t get me started on sex. You had to do it in front of everyone. So I’m grateful for the change. I deserve to be happy. I mean I know the State has to feed the masses and I’m happy to be sacrificed. But let’s be reasonable about it.

The makers of Soylent Kale, also made from humans, have announced that those on their Kale farms will be getting free Samsung Galaxy S7 phones.

“Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps” declared their press release.

(44)

The Rogue nation inhabitants

The United Nations convened an emergency session today after the rogue and isolated island nation of Gilligan successfully test fired a nuclear missile.

The Secretary General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon has said that any further acts of belligerence on the part of Gilligan’s Island will result in “sanctions and world condemnation.”

From Martha’s Vineyard where he was vacationing, President Obama stressed that the United States was willing to act, unilaterally if necessary, to prevent Gilligan’s Island from obtaining the fuel and technical know-how to launch a missile at the US mainland.

We have been in negotiations with Gilligan’s Island for years now hoping to end their rogue nation status and their sponsorship of terror around the globe. My secretary of State John Kerry has been instructed to fly to Gilligan’s Island to negotiate with their leader, Gilligan. I’m sorry but I don’t know his last name. Or maybe that is his last name. Like I said, our intelligence is lacking at the moment.

The story of Gilligan’s Island began three years ago when a two man crew and five passengers landed on an island 300 miles southeast of Honolulu, declared themselves an independent country and asked for admission to the UN.

Shortly thereafter Gilligan (pictured here)

It smells like sulfur in here. They say the devil smells like sulfur! The Devil and barack obama!

flew to New York and addressed the UN personally.

“I come in the name of socialism and peace” declared Gilligan.

We are a tiny island nation and we have the perfect economic system. We share all good equally among our citizens. This includes Ginger and Mary Ann since monogamy is bourgeois. Speaking of bourgeois it smells like sulfur in here. They say Hell smells like sulfur. You know what else smells like sulfur?  Barack Obama. He is a phony socialist. We are the true socialists. We wish to live in peace but America won’t leave us alone so we must arm and prepare for invasion.

After returning to his island nation he instructed the Professor to begin making uranium for bombs from coconuts.

The Professor’s first attempt at a nuclear missile exploded on the launch pad and his second veered off course and destroyed Guam.

The third attempt was more successful and detonated off of Oahu.

Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton vows to make negotiations for a peaceful settlement with Gilligan’s Island her top priority when she is elected.

In the interim President Obama has announced that no further shipments of tank tops and short shorts will be sent to the island.

“Our source says that Gilligan makes Mary Ann

It is good for the workers that she wear this outfit!

wear them all the time.  He says it’s good for morale and is better than Viagra for his sexual potency” said a CIA agent.

(79)

I am not boring. I am logical

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Chief of Security and Chief Tactical Officer for the Starship Voyager has been named “The Most Boring Vulcan” by the editors of Vulcan Life.

“Tuvok has consistently shown the ability to put inanimate objects to sleep” began the editorial.

And while this ability is in and of itself highly illogical it is what he is known for. Granted this can be a handy skill when visiting the rock creatures of Alpha Centauri. Humans, those inferior, irrational animals have named Tuvok, “Mr. Excitement.”  We assume this is an example of what they call “sarcasm.”  Humans use sarcasm a lot though to us it is highly illogical to say something when you don’t mean it. And that is why Vulcans do not have politicians. That and we are autocratic. Absolute power leads to order. And order is logical. Flawlessly logical. This editorial seems to have gone off topic. And that is not logical. To recap. Tuvok. Boring.

When informed that he had been named the Most Boring Vulcan, Tuvok seemed perplexed by the honor.

“To be awarded for one’s essence does not seem logical” he said.

Am I boring? By the standards of many in Star Fleet I am. I embrace my boringness. Being stuck in the Delta Quadrant can be stressful. Especially when the Pon Farr arrives. I had to mate with Neelix. That was illogical. I really prefer not to talk about it. I see no reason to add to the stress of my shipmates by being what humans call “exciting.” My captain, Kathryn Janeway praises me specifically for my ability to be boring and says I might get a promotion. And while the desire for advancement is illogical being named a full commander might mean Neelix will leave me alone.

Tuvok’s commanding officer, Captain Kathryn Janeway spoke to Vulcan Life and praised Tuvok’s ability to be boring.

“When we first got stranded in the Delta Quadrant many in the crew blamed me” said Janeway.

They said my incompetence put us here. There was talk of a mutiny and putting the native American with the stupid tattoo in charge. But then Tuvok calmed everyone down. Specifically he put them to sleep. He would drone on and on about duty. So f*cking boring. And I need a boring man to watch my ass and make sure the crew doesn’t kill me. Boring people are very dependable. Not like that Paris fellow in my crew. I mated with him once when he kidnapped me and we turned into weird, giant pink salamanders. Now talk about not being logical. I mean what the f*ck was that all about?  

As for his future plans, Tuvok says he will continue being boring and putting people to sleep.

“It’s what people seem to expect of me” declared the somnolent-inducing officer.

“If I’m boring I’m boring. During the next Pon Farr I’ve decided to join a singles site for those over 50. It’s flawlessly logical. And quite boring. Hey, I have a reputation to maintain.”

(68)