My Exclusive Interview With Sir Paul McCartney

Vote for Hillary. I know I will.

Vote for Hillary. I know I will.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one half of the greatest songwriting partnership in rock music: None other than Sir Paul McCartney.

MI:Good afternoon Sir Paul.

SPM:  Good afternoon Mr. Infidel.  It’s always a pleasure to talk to the press.

MI: Thank you. That’s nice to hear.

SPM: Shall I charm you by singing Hey Jude?

[McCartney begins to sing]

SPM: Hey Jude/Don’t make it bad/take a sad song and make it better

MI: Thank you but if you don’t mind I’d like to get straight to the questions.

SPM: Right-O.  Fire away.  But I don’t mean that literally.  I know how you Americans suffer under the scourge of gun violence.

MI:  Right.  Anyway.  You recently attended a fundraiser at Jimmy Buffet’s house for Hillary Clinton and you danced with her.

SPM: Yes. I’m a big supporter of Hillary and I think it’s critically important that she is elected and I promised her that I will do all I can to help her.

MI: Are you an American citizen?

SPM: Of course not. All British. Proud of it. God save the Queen.

MI: I see.

[Pause. Manhattan Infidel then punches Sir Paul in the nose]

SPM: Ow. What the hell was that for?

MI: You seem to be sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. I thought I’d put it back in its rightful place.

SPM: But all of Britain wants Hillary elected. Come on America. Show us your noble side. Don’t be stupid!

MI: I see.

[Pause. Manhattan Infidel then kicks Sir Paul in his testicles]

SPM: Oh god. My testicles. My golden rock and roll god testicles that have spawned children out of wedlock.  Why the hell did you do that?

MI: You’re not an American citizen and we don’t need assholes from Europe telling us how to vote.

SPM: But it’s my right as a citizen of the world.

[Manhattan Infidel kicks Sir Paul in the testicles a second time and Sir Paul collapses, unconscious]

SPM:  [After regaining consciousness]  You’ve moved me.  Where am I?  Why am I in a straight jacket and tied to this chair?  Why are my eyelids propped open?

MI: Since you refuse to stay out of American politics on your own accord we will have to use behavior modification therapy. You see that screen in front of you.  The video to your 1980s hit “Say Say Say” will be played over and over and you will be forced to watch. If your eyes get dry I will moisten them with this dropper. You will watch this video until you agree to never again interfere in American politics.

SPM: No, please.  The Geneva Convention banned treatment like this! Nooooo!

[Several hours later. The video for Say Say Say is still playing]

SPM: No. I beg of you. If you have any ounce of humanity left in you please make it stop!

MI: This can all go away. Just tell me what I want to hear.

SPM: I will never express a preference in an American election again. Ever!

[Manhattan Infidel stops the video from being displayed]

MI: You are free to go.

SPM: The very thought of expressing a preference in American politics now seems repulsive to me.

MI: That’s how behavior modification works.

SPM:  Who was the black man in the video?

MI: That was Michael Jackson.

SPM: You’re kidding. Michael Jackson was black? And had a nose? Since when?

MI:  It’s a long story. One last thing before you go. Do you have any marijuana that you could sell me?

SPM: No. I stopped smoking pot a few years ago.

[Manhattan Infidel kicks Sir Paul in the testicles]

SPM: Oh god not again. My beautiful rock and roll god testicles!  They’ve been crushed!

I thank Sir Paul for his time. Damn non-pot smoking freak!



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