I’m Hillary, dammit!

Hoping to overcome negative publicity after she collapsed at the 9/11 memorial, Hillary Clinton has gone on “Operation Physical Prowess” to prove to detractors that she has the stamina to be president.

As part of the new public relations campaign, supporters of Mrs. Clinton were asked to bring small children to a campaign event for a photo shoot with the physically fit presidential candidate.

“The Secret Service approached me and asked if I would like my son to be photographed with Clinton” said one father.

I said yes of course. This is something I can tell him about when he grows up. Well anyway they asked me how much my son weighs. I thought it was maybe because she was having problems lifting things. When I told them they said “That’s perfect” and they ushered me up front to Mrs. Clinton. When I got there they told me let Secretary Clinton hold my child, which I was happy to do.

It was at this point that things took a turn for the worse for the man and his son.

After asking what the child’s name was Clinton grabbed him and held him aloft while chanting, “God of everlasting darkness as thou has decreed so have I done. The hands of fate have doomed this child. Thy will is done!”

Clinton then proceeded to rip the child’s right arm off.

As the child screamed Clinton looked out at the shocked crowd and said that she had only just begun.

They say I am not physically fit to be president. But look what I have just done. I ripped this child’s arm off. By myself. With no assistance. Can Donald Trump do that? I don’t think so.

As Secret Service agents held the now-frantic father down and prevented him from rescuing his son, Mrs. Clinton then ripped off the remaining three limbs and showed them to the assembled crowd.

Look at this. I call them the limbs of deplorables. I, Hillary Clinton, have done this. Now I don’t want to hear anyone every again say I’m not physically fit to be president. And just as I ripped this kid’s limbs off I will rip the limbs off ISIS!

Reaction to Mrs. Clinton’s limb-pulling was swift.

MSNBC hailed her actions for their “FDR-like ability to inspire a nation.”

Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski said that she was now inspired to go home and rip her own children’s limbs off.

What Hillary has done is once and for all quiet the vast right wing conspiracy and the rumor mongers who say she has serious physical issues. From now on anyone who criticizes her will be discredited as the anti-women male chauvinist that they are.

As for the child, his grieving father was given duct tape and some MacGyver DVDs and told to reattach his son’s limbs.

“It’s all in the DVDs. Duct tape is all he needs. Duct tape and socialized medicine” said a Secret Service agent at the scene.

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