Tuvok Named “Most Boring Vulcan” by Vulcan Life Magazine!

I am not boring. I am logical

I am not boring. I am logical

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Chief of Security and Chief Tactical Officer for the Starship Voyager has been named “The Most Boring Vulcan” by the editors of Vulcan Life.

“Tuvok has consistently shown the ability to put inanimate objects to sleep” began the editorial.

And while this ability is in and of itself highly illogical it is what he is known for. Granted this can be a handy skill when visiting the rock creatures of Alpha Centauri. Humans, those inferior, irrational animals have named Tuvok, “Mr. Excitement.”  We assume this is an example of what they call “sarcasm.”  Humans use sarcasm a lot though to us it is highly illogical to say something when you don’t mean it. And that is why Vulcans do not have politicians. That and we are autocratic. Absolute power leads to order. And order is logical. Flawlessly logical. This editorial seems to have gone off topic. And that is not logical. To recap. Tuvok. Boring.

When informed that he had been named the Most Boring Vulcan, Tuvok seemed perplexed by the honor.

“To be awarded for one’s essence does not seem logical” he said.

Am I boring? By the standards of many in Star Fleet I am. I embrace my boringness. Being stuck in the Delta Quadrant can be stressful. Especially when the Pon Farr arrives. I had to mate with Neelix. That was illogical. I really prefer not to talk about it. I see no reason to add to the stress of my shipmates by being what humans call “exciting.” My captain, Kathryn Janeway praises me specifically for my ability to be boring and says I might get a promotion. And while the desire for advancement is illogical being named a full commander might mean Neelix will leave me alone.

Tuvok’s commanding officer, Captain Kathryn Janeway spoke to Vulcan Life and praised Tuvok’s ability to be boring.

“When we first got stranded in the Delta Quadrant many in the crew blamed me” said Janeway.

They said my incompetence put us here. There was talk of a mutiny and putting the native American with the stupid tattoo in charge. But then Tuvok calmed everyone down. Specifically he put them to sleep. He would drone on and on about duty. So f*cking boring. And I need a boring man to watch my ass and make sure the crew doesn’t kill me. Boring people are very dependable. Not like that Paris fellow in my crew. I mated with him once when he kidnapped me and we turned into weird, giant pink salamanders. Now talk about not being logical. I mean what the f*ck was that all about?  

As for his future plans, Tuvok says he will continue being boring and putting people to sleep.

“It’s what people seem to expect of me” declared the somnolent-inducing officer.

“If I’m boring I’m boring. During the next Pon Farr I’ve decided to join a singles site for those over 50. It’s flawlessly logical. And quite boring. Hey, I have a reputation to maintain.”


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