Down with the man! Overthrow the system!

Tommy, a five year old student in Mrs. Louise Kaplan’s kindergarten class, has been suspended from school for refusing to participate in the mandatory nap time.

“All the children had their heads on the desk and were prepared to nap but not Tommy” she said.

Instead he looked at me and said, “Tommy ain’t gonna work on Louise’s farm no more. I got a head full of ideas that are drivin’ me insane.”  Then he gave me the finger and said he was dedicating his kindergarten experience to fighting the oligarchy. I was too shocked to say anything. The other students were shocked.  At first. But I think Tommy is giving them dangerous ideas.

Mrs. Kaplan then called Tommy’s mother who came and picked him up.

I told his mother what had happened and she didn’t seem surprised.  “He used to be such a nice boy” she said.  “Then he started watching Thomas the Tank Engine and changed. He says that Thomas has shown him that his is complicit in the system and it’s time to rise up.” Then she started crying and blamed herself for not breastfeeding him. “I never showed him love.” I told her it wasn’t her fault even though it really was.

Mrs. Kaplan now finds herself with a problem increasingly common among kindergarten teachers: Radicalized schoolchildren.

He’s infected the entire class. Now they are all radicalized. During arts and crafts I asked one child what he would like to make. Do you know what he said? “Plastic explosives and a suicide vest so I can blow myself up.”  I told him if he did that he wouldn’t get any chocolate. That’s when he started crying.

The Department of Homeland Security, using the knowledge gained from Mrs. Kaplan’s interaction with her kindergartners has started “Operation Chocolate Drop” in hopes of winning over the disaffected generation of five-year olds.

“As a Federal official I want two things” said Homeland Security chairman Jeh Johnson.

One: What’s best for America. Two:  Power. Though power really is number one. And the only way to stay in power is to be proactive. We are organizing chocolate drops throughout America.  Planes will drop boxes of chocolate in schoolyards in hopes of calming the radical kindergarten population and pacifying them. Basically it’s a bribe. It’s well-known that kindergarten is the grade of peace. This radicalization is not the norm. We are responsible for it. We have to learn to reach out to these children and not be so insular. Kindergartners have contributed much to the history of America. You could say America is a kindergarten nation.

Though there are high hopes for Operation Chocolate Drop not all believe it is necessary.

“It seems like a big expense” said one parent. “Why don’t they just spank these children when they misbehave like I do with mine?”

She was immediately arrested and charged with child abuse and hate crimes against the grade of peace.

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